beach jerks

by Jason Gay

1. The Adonis

Pectorals the size of canned hams. Brain the size of canned beets. Biceps like softballs, triceps like eight balls. A chiseled six-pack of abdominals. Lathered in oil like a porn star. Snacks on creatine shakes and frozen bananas. Invariably coupled with 80-pound waitress from nearby clam shack, whom he bench presses on his beach towel.

2. The Talk-Show Host

You're lying on your blanket, trying to close your eyes, but there's someone out there subjecting you to loud, boorish commentary on everything from his exploits last night ("Dude, we were so wasted . . . ) to his lousy summer job ("My boss is such a dick!") to the presidency ("Chelsea's hot, man, I'm telling you!"). You want to tell him to shut up, but he's sitting with three Adonises.

3. The Boozer

One or two beers on a blazing hot day is understandable. Seven or eight is not. But there are always a few people doing a little beachfront Bukowski, whether it's pounding the Bud talls or inhaling gin and tonics like oxygen. Many turn into Talk-Show Hosts. Eventually, however, these lushes-by-the-shore pass out without any sunblock on -- and fry like frittatas.

4. The Refugee

A cooler, a towel, and maybe a chair. That's all most people need to go to the beach. But some beachgoers pack like wartime refugees, loading entire households onto their backs for an afternoon in the sun -- umbrellas, radios, chairs, tables, juice makers, shovels, pickaxes, hockey sticks, Monets, etc. Takes them an hour to set up and another hour to break down. And for what? Crap.

5. The Miner

You know what happened to that freaky kid in your neighborhood who melted bugs with his magnifying glass and once dressed up for Halloween as Charles Manson? He became one of those guys who roves around the beachfront with a metal detector, looking for stuff that doesn't belong to him. Too bad the bottle-cap-to-Rolex ratio is 10,000,000,000 to 1.

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Also in the Phoenix's beach special

Our editors pick the best beach videos for the sunburned
Two beaches for the sand-hater within
Martha's Vineyard: The world's most expensive beach
The Phoenix picks eight of New England's best seaside spots
One intrepid reporter finds out he's not so "clothed minded" at at Nudefest '99
There's lots happening on the bay side of the ocean
An environmental advocate discusses how humans help and hurt the beach

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