As the cyber-boom comes to an end and all the dot-com darlings fall back to earth, it’s nice to know that they (and we) can still find solace on the Web — specifically in the warm embrace of an online oracle. These soothsaying sites quietly dished out advice while the pets.com puppet stole the limelight, but now that pink-slip parties outnumber launch parties, the Web oracles appear more steadfast than ever. And in a climate where every national news update seems to bring more bad news — economic downturn, epidemic layoffs, China playing doctor with our spy plane — we're all left wondering, “Will we survive the Bush administration?” So what better way to prepare for the future than to ask the rock-solid oracles about the man who is supposed to lead us through this mess: President Bush?

Ask Yoda (www.sun-sentinel.com/graphics/entertainment/yoda.htm) brags about providing “sound advice for 28 galaxies (and counting),” so it seemed like the most reliable place to start. After giving Yoda some personal information (for him to remember on future visits), we asked him about our country's chances for survival. Turns out Yoda's “sphere of knowledge” is a Magic 8-Ball, and with a quick shake, an ear wiggle, and a very authentic-sounding “Hmmm,” Yoda proclaimed, “Maybe.” Figures — the little guy never gave Luke Skywalker a straight answer, either.

Next we went to the Mystical Smoking Head of “Bob” (www.resort.com/~banshee/Misc/8ball/index.html), who claims to know 12 languages. We presented our question to Bob, to which he replied, “Ask again later.” We did, and got the same result. Then we tried our question in Spanish and received, “Pregunta mas tarde.” At least Bob is consistent. Perhaps we should have determined why Bob's head is smoking before we bothered to consult him.

In spite of a growing sense of forboding, our spirits remained high as we paid a visit to Ask Frank's Magic High Ball (www.snarkbite.com/askfrank.htm), where “The Voice is willing ta share his insight with youse losers still pounding da pavement.” We got right to the point with Old Blue Eyes, and he said this: “I should care, I should go without sleeping. Strangely enough, I sleep.” Perhaps he's suggesting that our beloved nation is also doomed to sleep — with the fishes.

We decided to give it one more try and went to Happy Fanny, Fortune Teller (www.hauntedbookstore.com/happyfanny). Sure, she's a little crude — she's missing some teeth and appears to be sitting on the john — but Happy Fanny is just the kind of benevolent, motherly figure we need right now to give us some soothing advice. After clicking on one of her blinking, spinning heads, we were given this reply: “When Junior and his friends poke sticks down the outhouse and start playin' tag there ain't no winners!” Oh dear.

So, according to these wise Web sages, the future is indeed bleak. Perhaps we should forget all of these nay-saying oracles and instead make our only bookmark the Virtual Yes Man (http://toybox.asap.net/shockmon/yespage.html). Regardless of what we say to him, he will always brownnose with a stream of encouragement like “When you're right, you're right,” “Way to go,” and, for the failed dot-commer, “I wish I had thought of that.”