E-Mail This Article to a Friend O Christmas Bush A right (wing) jolly good holiday at the Zeitgeist BY MIKE MILIARD

President George W. Bush — or someone who sounded just like him — called us last week to talk about a holier-than-thou holiday sing-along he’ll be hosting at Zeitgeist Gallery this Sunday. Unfortunately we were tied up at the moment; when we called back a few minutes later, he’d stepped out. Fortunately, an aide (who most certainly is not actor/performance artist/manifesto writer/former Cambridge City Council candidate Ian Maxwell MacKinnon) had clearance to speak on the prez’s behalf. So we asked him: what is this night of GOP grinchery, which is billed as a chance to celebrate "the story of Jesus’s birth with that old-time religion and other faith-based songs," all about? The neo-cons have already claimed the flag as their own; why are they trying to steal Christmas, too?

"Jesus didn’t need to be on welfare," the aide explained coolly but imperiously. "He didn’t need public housing. His mother obviously carried Jesus to term; she was a believer in life. And she practiced abstinence, obviously. Basically, we see him as a great success story. He picked himself up from poverty and became the leader of the world’s greatest religion."

It’ll be a tough sell, preaching this message to godless Cantabrigian heathens in the arty heart of Inman Square, but the aide sees it as a sort of crusade. "We feel that the time is right for Cambridge to see a Republican dawn. We’re taking it right into the belly of the beast. We realize that a lot of the America-hating, liberal, Saddam-loving leftists might come out to heckle us, but we are ready. We have security."

Besides providing a rare glimpse of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney in the same place at the same time (the veep will accompany the singing prez on piano), the evening will offer a chance to edify the soul with rousing hymns at least as stirring as John Ashcroft’s "Let the Eagles Soar." You’ll hear "The Battle Hymn of Christmas," "O What Fun It Is To Ride in a Brand New S.U.V.," and "God Bless the National Anthem." There’ll be free eggnog (non-alcoholic, of course); other highlights will include the filming of video Christmas cards to be sent to the troops, wayward members of the Bush family, and heavyweight GOP donors; a satellite link-up to a USO show in Iraq; a "jogging Bible study with pretzels"; and a homily explaining why Jews can’t get into Heaven. "The president has maybe been a little misquoted on that," the aide clarifies. "It’s what his religion teaches, it’s not what he believes. The Jews are very free to convert. Just like the Muslims."

Mr. Bush famously named Jesus his favorite philosopher. Does he feel that he himself lives up to Christ’s teachings about humility and compassion? "The president is most fascinated with one line from Jesus: ‘I bring not peace but a sword.’ Now, all these liberal lefties around here always talk about Jesus being the Prince of Peace, but you can’t find anything in the Bible with Jesus saying, ‘I am the Prince of Peace.’ That’s just something that was made up later." But didn’t he say to turn the other cheek? "Well, turn the other cheek and you get your ass whupped! That’s what we learn in this world!"

Mainly, the president sees this evening as a righteous antidote to the "Bush-Cheney Anti-Christmas" that MacKinnon and co-conspirator Eric Zinman (who plays a lot like Cheney) perpetrated at the Zeitgeist this past June 25. "We hear they were trying to encourage people not to shop for Christmas presents," says the aide in high dudgeon. "Basically, they were trying to wreck the economy. That attempt to totally bring down the United States economy by not shopping is as close to Satanic activity as we can conceive of at this time of year. They said they were ‘pro-Jesus.’ I don’t see how you can be anti-Christmas and pro-Jesus. They said that ‘everyone at one point in their lives has cursed Christmas.’ What they were trying to do was pool the collective dread of Christmas and transform it into some power that would bring down all of Christendom!" But they didn’t succeed. "Obviously not! They’re just a bunch of flaky artists from Cambridge."

Celebrate the holidays Bush-style this Sunday, December 21, from 9:30 p.m. to midnight at Zeitgeist Gallery, 1353 Cambridge Street in Inman Square. An $8 donation is requested; call (617) 876-6060.