E-Mail This Article to a Friend VAN HELSING

Morgan Spurlock graphically demonstrated in Super Size Me the physiological effects of a diet consisting entirely of junk food. What about the mental effects of an exclusive diet of super-sized, toxic, synthetic summer entertainment like Van Helsing? By August, will my brain turn into pâté? (Some might say that would be an improvement). In brief: Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman), not the avuncular vampire-slaying pedant of Bram Stoker but a proto James Bond working for a top-secret Vatican agency dedicated to eliminating evildoers, is up against Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Dracula, the Wolfman, and Frankenstein’s monster. It’s kind of like all the Abbott and Costello monster movies put together without Abbott and Costello, or maybe Hellboy meets The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen with all the bad parts of the latter and none of the good parts of the former. Come to think of it, director Stephen Sommers is a bit of a Dr. Frankenstein himself, patching together bits and pieces of other movies, including allusions ranging from James Whale to Jean Cocteau. Ground together with little regard to coherence, it’s about as alive as a week-old Big Mac. (132 minutes)