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Squandering the comedic talents of his young leads (Johnson Family Vacation's Philip Daniel Bolden and School of Rock's Aleisha Allen), Brian Levant exhumes the time-worn cross-country road-movie formula, here mercifully spanning only 300 miles, from Portland, Oregon, to British Columbia. Ice Cube's Nick Persons is a former baseball player and current sports-collectibles-shop proprietor who, being a nice guy, falls into the "friend zone" with Suzanne Kingston (Nia Long, one of the few bright spots of the recent Alfie), successful single mother of Kevin (Bolden) and Lindsey (Allen). Hoping to win Suzanne's heart, Nick seeks the expert wisdom of a Satchel Paige bobblehead that only he can hear and agrees to escort the kids to a New Year's Eve rendezvous, even though he regards them as "cockroaches." A schizophrenic charged with children's welfare? Hilarious! A missed plane and missed train later, Nick is reduced to transporting the two in his prized, destined-for-destruction Lincoln SUV. Some forced sentiment and a few kidnapping gags later, it becomes clear that you should have stayed home and rented Planes, Trains & Automobiles. Are we there yet? Ponder this question as you run toward the theater exit. (94 minutes)