The man who runs Hooters restaurants is thinking about buying Vanguard Airlines, the Kansas City–based discount carrier that shut down and filed for bankruptcy last month....

[Robert] Brooks started a company called Hooters Air Inc. to make the payments.

— Associated Press, August 14

Strange to say so, but the Hooters restaurant chain may be about to usher in a revolution in air travel. As the post–September 11 slump leaves the airline industry in the doldrums, the nation’s carriers will have to find ever-more-creative ways to entice passengers onto their planes — and what could be more enticing than scantily clad, large-bosomed women doling out inexhaustible supplies of jalapeño poppers? But why stop there? Hugh Hefner should take a page out of Brooks’s book, buy out United Airlines, and launch Playboy Air. Imagine, Hefner’s All-Nude Revue streaking over the Atlantic, bunnies flouncing up and down the aisles handing out flutes of bubbly. Satin seats. Sheepskin rugs. Fred Durst. Paradise.

An even bigger money spinner would be Bally Air, with its patented Flutter Flights, complete with Sky Slots, Carry-on Craps, and Air Roulette. The more sedate traveler, meanwhile, might opt for a flight on Todd English’s Olives Air, an elegant four-star restaurant of the skies. Or how about theme bars? Visitors to Boston could visit Cheers before they’ve even touched down. Hell, they could circle the Bunker Hill Monument a couple of times, pose beside a cut-out of Norm, and head on home.

Surely passengers would welcome the chance to attend in-flight concerts — Yo-Yo Ma in first class, P. Diddy in coach. The Dutch carrier KLM could pump up its revenue by starting the world’s first airborne hash bar. Fly the Freaky Skies. Health-conscious types might prefer a flying health spa — goodbye, jet lag! For those with more stubborn health problems, Beth Israel Air could operate on its passengers/patients and then deposit them at a sunny resort for convalescence. Air Freud could offer En Route Regression Therapy, wherein the disturbed itinerant could take a journey back to his or her troubled childhood. And the religiously inclined could say a few Mile-High Hail Marys in the confessional booths of Catholic Air.

So come on, all you airline magnates — the possibilities are endless. Dubya Airlines, with its fleet of replica Air Force One jets, could host trans-Atlantic fundraisers. Harvard Air could offer the frequent flyer the opportunity to gain an in-flight master’s degree. Let’s have bowling in the aisles, StairMasters in the galleys. Do away with business class and put in a disco. In these dangerous times, airline security can never be fully guaranteed, but a good time can. I don’t know about anyone else, but if I’m going down, I’m going down dancing. Let’s boogie.