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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Would it be rude or uncouth to ask my hair stylist to trim my nose hair? I used to do it myself with a beard trimmer, but the damn thing broke, and it’s tough to wedge a scissor in there without hurting myself.

— Happily Hirsute

Dear Happily,

Your question flummoxes Dr. Lovemonkey a bit, although this is because he is of an older generation and has never actually frequented a "hair stylist." Since he started growing bald in the early 1970s, he has had little contact with the world of hair styling, and instead remembers barber shops with amenities such as carousel horse seats to distract young children undergoing what was known as a "rah-rah" (crew cut).

Despite this enormous cultural handicap, let me suggest that you make a "non-request" request (something like a "non-denial" denial, a phrase that Dr. Lovemonkey recalls from the Woodward and Bernstein book, All the President’s Men). In other words, if you haven’t already observed other related services performed by your hair stylist (e.g., straight-razor shaves), ask. Mention how your beard trimmer broke down. Ask if he/she has one. In this way, your hair stylist will probably provide you with the answer even without your asking the question.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a long time. The topic of sex came up recently, and we both agreed we were ready. But when the night finally came, she said she feared pregnancy and doesn’t believe that any form of birth control would prevent it. Then she said that she still really wanted to have sex with me. Is she being a tease, or do you think she is just insecure about sex in general? What should I do?

— Sexually Confused

Dear Sexually,

Guess what? Your girlfriend is right — there is no 100 percent surefire method of avoiding pregnancy other than abstinence. Of course, there’s no 100 percent certainty that an airplane won’t fall on your head in the next 60 seconds, either. Tell her about condoms, IUDs, etc. There are a lot of birth control options. It does sound like she is having second thoughts, however, and when it comes to becoming sexually active, second thoughts are not bad thoughts. Respect her decision and avoid putting any pressure on her. When the time is right, it should be good all around. While there are many instances in which people regretted becoming sexually active too quickly, I’ve never heard of one where people made a mistake by waiting. Masturbate. You have my permission.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a 36-year-old woman and my breasts have begun to comply with the laws of gravity. I’d really like to have something done surgically, not necessarily implants, but something to "lift my spirits," so to speak. The problem is how every time, when I bring this up with my husband, he pooh-poohs the idea and tells me that I look just fine. I’d really like to do something about this. How do I convince my husband?

— Joan

Dear Joan,

You need to explain to him that you’re doing it for yourself, not him. If your breasts are causing you some discomfort, that should be an easy sell, but if this is merely an "appearance thing," I’ve also got to plead insensitivity to your plight. Dr. Lovemonkey is not a big fan of cosmetic surgery unless some sort of terrible deformity is involved. I would think very carefully before agreeing to have my body cut into, particularly if it’s just because I don’t like the way I look.

Penis enlargement, for instance, is not my idea of a great advancement in medical science, nor has it resulted in any great improvement in my love life. When Dr. Lovemonkey had his penis enlarged to its present 37 inches, all I got were offers from the circus. I don’t mean to knock the circus life (lots of free peanuts, many interesting tattoos, etc.), but the clowns and midgets can never live up to your preconceived romantic images. This brings me to another piece of advice — never answer those spam ads in your e-mail.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.