E-Mail This Article to a Friend Too close for comfort

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am in my 30s and have been married to a fantastic woman for about a year. My problem is that I have a female friend who my wife doesn’t know about. My friend and I have grown very close -- too close, I guess. While there has been no intimate contact, there is some serious chemistry between us. This friend is driving me crazy, and I feel as though I am being dishonest with my wife. My wife and I are very career-oriented and work long hours. As a result, I tend to get my fill of "small talk" and attention from my friend, instead of my significant other. What should I do?

— Anthony P. in Providence

Dear Anthony,

If you love your wife and value your marriage, break it off with your other friend immediately. You are being dishonest and disloyal to your wife. If you don’t value your marriage as much as your relationship with this woman, tell your wife and leave. There’s no in-between here.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A friend of mine is trying to set some kind of record for having slept with the most girls. I keep warning him to wear protection, but I’m not sure that he is heeding my very serious advice. Is there anything else I can do?

— Richie

Dear Richie,

Yeah, get some new friends. This is what Dr. Lovemonkey likes to call "promiscuity." Of course, there are enormous health risks for your friend and everyone he comes into sexual contact with, as you have noted. Besides this, it is emotionally immature, incredibly selfish, and just plain despicable. I wouldn’t suppose that your friend might be lying to, exploiting, or abusing the trust of these women? What? You say that he is? Richie, if you want to hang around with clowns, there’s a circus college in Florida. At least the clowns who come out of there are attempting to entertain people, not to damage them.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I think your advice is full of crap. You seem to think everything is so full of "responsibility" and "meaning" that you forget to have fun. Loosen up, you tight ass.

— Mr. Casual

Dear Mr. Casual,

At first I was a bit irritated by this note, but the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that you are correct. I have been so obsessed with the idea that people should be responsible that I just couldn’t see it from a Mr. Casual-type perspective. On reflection, I now realize that most of the problems in today’s world stem from how people act overly responsible, have too much meaning in their lives, and just haven’t learned to be frivolous and insensitive enough.

We should maybe all just back off a little bit and indulge ourselves a little. So what if I decide that it was a much nicer day to hang out at the movie theater than go to work? I go to work pretty much all the time, and my boss has to understand that people can’t work at their best if they’re not happy and loose. (That would mean a three-day work week where I’m coming from.) Please forgive me, Mr. Casual, for being such a tightly wound little goody-goody. The next time you’re in the vicinity, let me borrow your works, so I can mainline a bag of heroin into my frontal lobe and take a load off.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.