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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I went out with this woman for about six months, and we broke it off a couple of years ago because she said she didn’t have time for a relationship. For the last 10 months, I’ve been seeing someone else who I really care about. Now, all of a sudden, my ex has surfaced and indicated that she is available. I’d like to be friends with her, but I don’t want to upset my current girlfriend. How can I do this?

— Mr. Confused

Dear Mr. Confused,

C’mon, you can’t be that confused. You’ve been seeing someone who you care about for the last 10 months. Stick with it. In truth, you don’t know if your former girlfriend is just fickle (there are certainly some red flags indicating that this might be the case). As far as being "friends" with her, I wouldn’t even attempt that at this time, particularly since she has let it be known that she is "available." This translates to Dr. Lovemonkey as being "available" for romance. Focus on maintaining the positive and healthy relationship that you now seem to have.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I recently moved to the East Coast from the West Coast, and discovered that the cold weather in this region seems to carry over to the social scene. Don’t get me wrong — I love Providence. But it was much easier to meet women and date in Los Angeles. In LA, I found that people were less parochial and more willing to have a conversation with someone they just met. Do you have any advice on how a guy can cope in a more reserved environment? Also, are there activities, events, and places where people are open to meeting new people?

I hope you can help me. I like the city, I like the people, but it is a very challenging social climate. Thanks for your help.

— Not Really California Dreaming

Dear Not Really,

How kind you are to describe the chilly reception you have received as "reserved." See, that’s your problem. The key to getting along in the "dating scene" (or whatever you want to call it) in the Biggest Little is something Dr. Lovemonkey likes to call "open hostility."

The operative phrase or pickup line here is, "What the fuck you lookin’ at?" Nobody cares about which sign of the zodiac you were born under or what your blood type is. We here in Rhode Island have a blunt charm that is often misunderstood. For example, you’ll know that you are striking up a meaningful and possibly rewarding conversation when the reply is, "Hey, whassa matta which chooz?" Sure, these mating rituals may seem a little cold and insensitive to the Vo Dilun arriviste, but you still must master the local social skills in order to score.

Allow me to give another example — any sophistication about food comes in handy only if you are looking for love in the smallest of circles. While it is a well-known fact that we have many marvelous restaurants, we also have one of the highest doughnut stores-per-customer ratios in the world (this based merely on anecdotal evidence, but I believe it to be true).

Once, while on one of my many anthropological journeys to a local singles watering hole, Dr. Lovemonkey came upon a young Vo Dilun native, resplendent in his gold chains and late ’70s disco apparel, holding forth at the bar. A couple of young ladies sat nearby, discussing the relative merits of corn chips versus pretzels, when our hero struck up a conversation about the glories of Chinese food. He said, "I love that spicy Saskatchewan food." The women were charmed by this faux sophistication, and even though they later settled on calamari, the larger point is that our boy scored.

Sure, the relationship was short-lived, due to the protagonist being apprehended later that week on an outstanding warrant (Dr. Lovemonkey does like to do follow-ups on his field studies), but for a brief and shining moment, his dating technique worked like a charm.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net