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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m really jealous of my girlfriend. She works with a lot of young guys. I see her flirting with them, and it kind of gets me going. When she goes out with her female friends (most of whom are single), I start worrying and thinking about what they might be doing. She hasn’t ever been unfaithful to me, and I haven’t been unfaithful to her, but she seems to constantly be surrounded by what I consider hungry men, and she seems to really like it. She thinks that I make a big deal about this by asking where she’s been and what she’s been doing. But what can I do? She’s a hot babe, and she knows it. Am I wrong to feel this way?

— Big Bill

Dear Big,

Stop visualizing that your girlfriend is out with every guy that she comes across. You trust her, right? You believe that she should have a life in which she enjoys herself, right? What’s going on in your head stems from your insecurity, not her behavior. Start using your imagination for more constructive purposes, like coming up with ideas on how you can enjoy each other, or how Bush can be forced from office before the inauguration in January. Enjoy how other people find your girlfriend attractive, and consider yourself lucky. Think about yourself and the things that you like to do. Possessiveness is a real relationship killer, and speaks only to our own shortcomings. Have some faith in yourself, in her, and in your relationship.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

There was good advice to "Twenty-Two and Confused," (November 12 column), but it needed to be much more strongly worded! The guy to whom "Twenty-two" is engaged is not only "controlling" and "ridiculously jealous," he is an emotional abuser who is at high risk of becoming a physical abuser. I say this as a former domestic abuse crisis line volunteer in Maine.

If you go to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Web site, look at their "predictors of domestic violence" checklist (www.ncadv.org/problem/predictors.htm). No. 5: "Does he keep tabs on you? Does he want to know where you are at all times? Does he want you with him all of the time?" (Men can be victims of this kind of emotional abuse as well. I went out with a guy whose ex would time how long it took him to get groceries. She would scream at him and accuse him of sleeping around if he took longer getting back from the grocery store than he was "supposed to.")

I hope "Twenty-Two" breaks up with her fiancé. But if she does, she needs to know how to get in touch with her local domestic abuse crisis line/shelter. Her ex might not take her leaving very well and might threaten her, or anyone else who’s with "his" woman. He already calls her at work to see what she’s doing during the day. If she leaves him, he could very well show up there to confront her — or could call her there and threaten to confront her. She needs to get her boss on her side, so nobody will let the guy into her workplace or allow his calls to go through. There is the National Domestic Violence hotline — (800) 799-SAFE (7233). The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has a list of state coalitions that can direct her to the closest resources: www.ncadv.org/resources/state.htm.

If you know how to reach "Twenty-Two," please do. She has some big decisions ahead of her that could have some big consequences.

— Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for your letter and valuable information. I will contact "Twenty-Two." This is good information for anyone who is in an abusive or potentially abusive relationship.

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