Last night I was down in the lab

Talkin' to Dracula and his crew

All aboard for fun time

- Iggy Pop

When you hear sweet syncopation

And the music softly moans,

T'ain't no sin to take off your skin

And dance around in your bones

- William S. Burroughs

IN TIMES LIKE these, vampire fangs and dancing skeletons are hardly necessary to scare the bejesus out of most people. A quick look at the front page will do that just fine. And that's exactly why it's so important to get out there and celebrate Halloween in any way you can. For those who are a little too big to fit into Pokemon costumes and head out on a door-to-door trek, we've compiled a rundown of what's going on at area clubs and bars this All Hallows Eve.

The holiday kicks off in grand (guignol) fashion a week early at the Middle East on October 24 and 25. Goof-goth źbermenschen the Misfits roll into town as part of a tour celebrating their 25th anniversary. Though they'll be without their original singer, muscle-bound homunculus Glenn Danzig, and nearly every other original member, the band - whose greatest hits include "Vampira," "Demonomania," and "Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight?" - are sure to scare up a good time. As an added bonus, the guys are bringing along fellow geriatric punk luminaries Robo and Dez (ex-Black Flag) and Marky Ramone - whose old band recorded sides like "I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" and "You Should Never Have Opened That Door" - to help 'em celebrate.

On October 26, Club Bohemia @ Kirkland Cafe hosts a "Kooky Kostume Kontest and Spooky Masquerade Ball" featuring all-chick rock band Tootsie, "Boston's premier instrumental Horror Surf" band Gein & the Graverobbers (named after the real-life inspiration for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), Girl on Top, and the Mickey Bliss Organ Combo.

The same night, way out in Woostah, everyone's favorite makeup-caked white boys, the Insane Clown Posse, will commandeer the Centrum Centre. More and more people seem to be afraid of clowns these days, and the scatological ICP do much to support the notion that it's a reasonable phobia. One wonders, though, who'll be scarier this night: the band themselves or their legion of Faygo-drenched fans.

Also on October 26, Beatlejuice - the Beatles cover band, not the undead funny guy from the movie of a similar name - will be headlining the Halloween Bash at Dick's Last Resort. And at the Lucky Dog Music Hall in Worcester, the Halloween danse macabre features appropriately scary-named bands like Seven Hill Psychos, Devour, and Bonescrew. Yikes.

The Lucky Dog keeps the party rolling the next night with Gein & the Graverobbers (this must be their busiest time of year). Back in Greater Boston, the Beefheartian psyche-blues outfit the Devil Gods play the Sky Bar. Lead singer/guitarist (and Phoenix contributor) Ted Drozdowski says the band always treats Halloween as a special occasion, and will be performing "complete with evil regalia." And speaking of bands with frightening monikers, diabolical high priests of high camp My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult officiate at Karma Club. Professional Murder Music open.

On October 29, the Milky Way's Black Monday Halloween Bash features Gein & the Graverobbers (yet again), Lot 6, the Beatings (whose name, unreliable sources inform us, stems from what used to befall them when bullies took away their trick-or-treat candy), and Sandra Black. "Come in costume," say the Milky Way folks. "Come to rock."

On October 30, the Black Crowes come to the Orpheum Theatre. Not scary per se, but crows (especially black ones) are sometimes a little creepy, and lead singer Chris Robinson's skinniness is also quite unsettling. Over in Worcester, the Centrum Centre plays host to the "Pledge of Allegiance" tour, featuring Slipknot, a group of Iowa nu-metal dudes known for their scary masks, and System of a Down, a group of LA nu-metal guys known for their scary goatees.

Finally, the Big Night arrives. Start at Axis, where a spate of scary bands, including Gathering of the Wolves, Morning Side, Deguelo, Devour, Grudgefuck, the Buddha, and A Cold Reality, hold court. The Beachcomber in Quincy lets you get down with your bad self with some Halloween karaoke. Just don't sing "The Monster Mash" or "Thriller," okay? That's such a cliche. In Salem (that place where they killed those witches that time), the Dodge Street Bar & Grill hosts a Halloween Costume Contest with musical accompaniment courtesy of the Catalinas. The Hard Rock Cafe's Halloween Costume Party features the Fat City Band. Harpers Ferry puts on no less than a "Halloween Spectacular" with Uncle Sammy. Over in Somerville, Johnny D's throws a "Halloween Bash and Costume Party" featuring the Love Dogs. Down in the Fenway, the Linwood Grille will feature the Humanoids, Gein & the Graverobbers (this is getting scary), and Black Helicopter. On Lansdowne Street, Bill's Bar features funkin' groovesters Who's the Fat Guy? and Soulwork. And, at Karma Club, the Phoenix's sister radio station, WFNX, will be putting a new twist on the holiday with the the Storm & Birdsey Lingerie Ball. Why waste all that time and money on an elaborate costume when you can just as easily head out in your PJs or undergarments? If you wanna get in to this party, that's what you're gonna have to wear. But be warned: the sight of Storm and Birdsey in lingerie is surely the scariest thing any mere mortal could ever see on Halloween. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

Surely, one of the more difficult decisions of the night (besides whether to eat all your candy immediately or save some for tomorrow) is which floor of the Middle East to visit. Upstairs, surf-band-from-another-planet Man ... or Astroman? wrap up a two-night stand with support bands Black Eyed Snakes and Cancer Conspiracy. Known for their self-created mythology (they crash-landed in Alabama in the early '90s, y'know) and a fondness for costumes and kitschy '50s sci-fi projections, Man ... or Astroman? are an ideal pick. But downstairs, the Lyricist Lounge Halloween Sessions features none other than Kool Keith's scariest incarnation, Dr. Octagon, and the ex-cop-killer himself, Ice-T (who's starred in such horror-flick classics as Leprechaun in the Hood).

But wait! Lest you foolish mortals think that the Halloween celebration ends with the vampire-disintegrating light of the following morn, you're dead wrong. The Orpheum keeps the party rolling on November 1 with that infamous shock-rock progenitor, the man to whom Marilyn Manson owes his career, none other than ... ALICE COOPER! Yes, after all these years, ol' AC's still going strong, and he welcomes you to his nightmare as he rolls into town with a new studio album. No word on whether he still enacts simulated guillotinings, but rumor has it he's now an avid golfer. Scary stuff, indeed.

Mike Miliard can be reached at mmiliard[a]phx.com

Where to find it:

• The Middle East, 472 Mass Ave, Cambridge, (617) 497-0576

• Club Bohemia @ Kirkland Cafe, 421-425 Washington Street, Somerville, (617) 491-9640

• Centrum Centre, 50 Foster Street, Worcester, (508) 755-6800

• Dick's Last Resort, 55 Huntington Avenue, Boston, (617) 267-8080

• Lucky Dog Music Hall, 89 Green Street, Worcester, (508) 363-1888

• Sky Bar, 518 Somerville Avenue, Somerville, (617) 623-5223

• Karma Club, 9 Lansdowne Street, Boston, (617) 421-9595

• Milky Way, 405 Centre Street, Jamaica Plain, (617) 524-3740

• Orpheum Theatre, Hamilton Place, Boston, (617) 679-0810

• Axis, 13 Lansdowne Street, Boston, (617) 262-2437

• Beachcomber, 797 Wollaston Beach Boulevard, Quincy, (617) 479-8989

Dodge Street Bar & Grill, 7 Dodge Street, Salem, (978) 745-0139

Hard Rock Cafe, 131 Clarendon Street, Boston, (617) 424-7625

Johnny D's, 17 Holland Street, Davis Square, Somerville, (617) 776-2004

Issue Date: October 25 - November 1, 2001