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Through a blog darkly
Reviews of blogs by people I know who donít know I know about their blogs
BY JOE LAVIN

Jesus, Do I Hate That Guy in the Cubicle Next to Me: one-half star (out of four).

While at times informative, my co-worker Amyís blog, "Jesus, Do I Hate That Guy in the Cubicle Next to Me," is simply overloaded with factual errors. In addition to her casual disregard for the truth and the unfortunate personal attacks upon my character, this page is clearly a narcissistic mess. I can in no way recommend her blog.

I do feel compelled, however, to correct some of her most irresponsible mistakes. For example, last Friday, I certainly did not complain to our supervisor that she had stolen my paper-clip magnet. I merely pointed out a few times that, while I had no problem with the paper-clip-magnet theft, this is the type of behavior that might bother some and that the office was lucky to have someone as laid-back and understanding as I around. There was no need for her to dedicate two days of entries to this.

Also, I never said at a staff meeting that she doesnít do any work. I merely said that I could use some help with the third-quarter estimates, and that she seemed to have a lot of free time on her hands. And even if I had said she doesnít do any work, would I really be so wrong? Consider her entry from this morning where she writes, "Wow, Iíve done no work at all today, and itís been weeks since Iíve done any. Of course, that jerk next to me spends all day checking to see if Iím doing anything. What an asshole!"

At the very least, her frequent posts from work explain all the frenetic typing and angry gestures directed at her computer all day. Otherwise, it is of no use whatsoever. If her blog were a spreadsheet, it would have been dragged to the recycling bin long ago.

My Lawn Online: three-and-a-half stars.

My neighbor Jeffís exciting new blog about his lawn is a must-read if youíre a lawn-care aficionado such as myself. Each day, Jeff writes a post with an up-to-date report on the state of his lawn, and it is indeed a beautiful lawn. Some would argue it is the second-most-beautiful lawn in the neighborhood, after my own very accomplished yard, of course.

I particularly enjoy the chance to discover his lawn-care plans ahead of time, so that I might beat him to the punch, so to speak. Oh, he was annoyed last month when, after reading of his plans to carve small animals out of his bushes, I was able to complete my very own lawn sculpture of Frodo from The Lord of the Rings two entire days before he completed his own measly display.

Regardless, his blog remains an entertaining read. His commentary about how his grass grows is almost as exciting as watching the grass grow in person. Bravo!

Pierced Eddie: one star.

I already knew my cousin Eddie was a little weird, but after reading his blog, weird doesnít even begin to explain his various peccadilloes. Every week, it seems, heís getting a new piercing in some spot where Iíd never even consider poking a hole. And after reading about all his sexual adventures, I think I will be asking someone else to pass the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner this year. Letís just say that I have learned entirely too much about Vaseline. Unless your mind is of a prurient nature, this is definitely one to be avoided.

Out, Out, Damn Plaque: one star.

Truly, I rue the day I learned of my dentistís blog. Dr. Cavanaughís contribution to the blog field combines dental trivia (as if we need more of that!) with his excruciatingly bad poetry. As I write this, I cannot quite recall which was more painful ó my last root canal, which might as well have been done by an amateur, or reading Dr. Cavanaughís latest selection of dental poetry, including such chestnuts as "How Do I Brush Thee? Let Me Count the Teeth" and "O Dentist! My Dentist!"

As for the title "Out, Out, Damn Plaque," methinks that might have been plagiarized from somewhere. Oh, and thanks for the dancing toothbrushes on your welcome page, Dr. Cavanaugh. We get the point. Youíre a dentist. Now go clean some teeth.

Quibbling with the Quibbler: two-and-a-half stars.

This site, written by my girlfriend, is not always accurate, but it is useful. Many times, she has been angry with me for something I didnít even know about. If not for this site, I would still be in the dark, but knowing about all her little issues allows me to be proactive and occasionally prevent arguments.

As for the title, its assertion that I am a quibbler is, of course, untrue. I merely strive to make everything around me better. Calling me a quibbler is ridiculous. Also, her use of the courier font throughout is frankly inexcusable.

I would have rated this higher, but lately it has not been very useful. While her blog used to contain detailed synopses of all our arguments, providing me with valuable inside information, now she rarely talks about them. Instead, there is much discussion about what gifts she would like to get and all the little things a man can do to make her feel loved. The other day, there was even an 800-word post about her favorite types of jewelry. It is almost as if sheís figured out that I am reading her blog.

If you ask me, sheíd better get her act together soon, or else Iíll have no choice but to drop her to one star.

Joe Lavin can be reached at joe@joelavin.com


Issue Date: August 27 - September 2, 2004
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