First there were ads above urinals. Then there were ads in port-a-potties. And now comes the next leap — ads at the bottom of the urinal....

— press release from BadAds.org

Seems like everyone’s griping about ads these days. Our cities are littered with product-plugging billboards, our beaches are buzzed by banner-toting planes. There are ads in elevators and ads in fortune cookies. And now, as the anti-ad lobbyists at BadAds.org point out, we cannot even take a leak in peace. And it’s getting worse.

Last week, a New York couple announced that they are seeking a corporate sponsor for their soon-to-be-born son — for a mere $500,000, the couple will name the kid, say, Ty-D-Bol, Tampax, or Ford Explorer. " Is nowhere safe? " lamented a recent story in the Boston Globe. Perhaps the real question, however, is: are we taking full advantage of potential advertising opportunities?

Sure, our buses and T trolleys carry ads, but our emergency vehicles do not. Why not? Why isn’t James G. Sokolove’s face plastered across the city’s fleet of ambulances? We have ads in movie theaters but not in prisons — the ultimate captive audience. Why? Think of the photo ops: the condemned man going to meet his maker with kfc plastered across his striped jumpsuit.

Sounds morbid, yes, but death’s an eye-catching, as well as tragic, human event. A Kleenex ad on a headstone would surely attract the attention of grieving relatives. We could superimpose ads for Tums over footage of the Hindenburg disaster ( " Oh, the acidity! " ). And, if we really wanted to raise funds for a cure, we would name the next humanity-decimating disease after a corporation: the Volkswagen Brain-Eating Bug.

If death sells, then so does sex. When will the country’s ad execs grasp this fact? There should be a just do it on every condom, an ad for Victoria’s Secret on every watermelon, and an ad for PowerVac penis pumps on each and every American missile. Think how much revenue could be generated by placing a spot for Preparation H on Brad Pitt’s butt.

But there are many more high-visibility venues just crying out for product placement. Take the Bible: an ad for Tylenol next to the Book of Job could be very lucrative indeed. And while we’re on the subject, what about this Heavenly Father guy? I mean, if He hasn’t achieved name recognition after thousands of years, then perhaps He’s a lost cause. I say remove His name from American currency and replace it with something more profitable: in heinz we trust.

Then there’s the presidential seal — a Hooked on Phonics ad would surely be more suited to this particular president’s podium. Kids read ads too, you know. Indeed, children have been woefully overlooked by the ad industry. A single ad for the state lottery in a child’s textbook could have marketing implications for decades to come.

Perhaps the most underused advertising venue, however, is the natural world. We could — we should — have the McGrand Canyon, the Virgin Atlantic Ocean, the FleetNiagara Falls. And the moon — the moon was made for the Coca-Cola logo. So let’s have a little imagination. Let’s think big. Until we starts maximizing our ad dollars, this great country of ours will never be Simply the Best™.

Issue Date: August 2 - 9, 2001