Caves, of course, have been on all our minds lately. Right now, American troops are in the process of methodically searching the caves of Afghanistan. This, as Donald Rumsfeld has repeatedly pointed out, is dangerous and dirty work. With this in mind, we have modified the MIT Caving Club’s " An Introduction to Caving for the Novice Caver " for use by the US military.

What is Caving Anyway?

Caving, or spelunking as non-cavers call it, is many things. The reasons why people go include adventure, sport, scientific study, companionship, fun, and ...

[tracking down Al Qaeda fighters.]

The most commonly asked question is, " What do you find down there? " The answers are as varied as the caves themselves: mud; beautiful rock formations and rubble; water and dust; vast rooms and tight crawlways; awesome rivers and puddles; strange and fragile animals; ice and warm water; and, of course, strange people.

[Including suspected terrorists.]

There are several different types of caves.

• Solution Caves are formed very slowly by water in limestone or gypsum.

• Talus Caves are literally piles of boulders.

• Ice Caves are generally restricted to glacial areas.

• Volcanic or Lava Caves are passages formed around flowing lava.

• [Terrorist Caves are formed by Al Qaeda members.]

Caving Etiquette

Landowner relations: to get to a cave, we must cross other people’s land. [Make sure you have an international coalition backing you up for this one.]

• Find out who owns a cave, and then get permission before you go in.

[Then go in and shoot them.]

• Never leave any of your junk in a cave.

[Bullets, bodies, vials of anthrax, etc.]

• Just before you go into a cave, it is advised that you find the nearest bush and relieve yourself.

[See being creeped up on by an Al Qaeda fighter, below.]

Dangers

A commonly asked question is, " Is caving dangerous? "

[In this case, the answer is " very. " ]

• NEVER go caving alone.

[You should be accompanied by a platoon of heavily armed troops.]

• Don’t jump in a cave.

[Even if an Al Qaeda fighter creeps up on you, do not jump.]

• Wear the proper clothing.

[Flak jackets, helmets, ammunition belts, etc.]

• Start caving with experienced cavers.

[Preferably mujahideen fighters.]

• The single worst danger faced by cavers is hypothermia.

[And being shot/blown up, contracting anthrax.]

• Very often a person will dislodge something which could fall on someone else. If you do so, yell " ROCK! " no matter what it is that is falling.

[If you see or hear a bomb falling, yell " ROCK! " ]

• People often wonder if you can get lost easily in a cave. The answer is generally no.

[Unless, of course, you are Osama bin Laden.]

Issue Date: December 27, 2001 - January 3, 2002

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