Dear Director Mueller:

First, I just want to say what a great job I think you are doing. Sure, anyone can make a few mistakes, but it takes real courage (and know-how) to face up to them and " get it right the next time. " But the real reason I am writing is that I read about the FBI’s plan to examine the library records of people you find suspicious — a practice the bureau was forced to abandon during the 1970s because agents abused the privilege. Thanks to the USA Patriot Act, though, library records are fair game again. I think it’s a great idea. As Sister Theophane used to tell us in the fifth grade, " You can always tell a person’s character from the books he reads. " In the spirit of full cooperation, I want to clear up some questions that might arise regarding what I’ve been reading, just in case you should ever look at my library records.

You may have noticed that I borrowed a bunch of books on the regrettable burning of an Ursuline Catholic convent many years ago, including Maria Monk’s Awful Disclosures and Nancy Lusignan Schultz’s Fire and Roses: The Burning of the Charlestown Convent, 1834. These books were research material for an article I wrote (see " Twice-Told Tales, " News and Features, June 7). I have no intention of burning down a convent — Ursuline or otherwise — or any other house of worship of any religion. I am sure your files note that I was a member of Students for a Democratic Society in the late 1960s — but really, that was so long ago. And I thought I’d remind you that my chapter didn’t do very much, and we certainly never burned anything down. Or even thought about it.

I also borrowed a few Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew novels for another article (see " Nancy Boy, " News and Features, June 14). It’s true that I detailed in my article how frequently Nancy Drew and Frank and Joe Hardy found themselves tied up in these books. But I was in no way advocating the abduction or sexual torture of teenagers or children. It’s true that I also wrote a piece some years ago titled " S/M: The New Romance, " but that was really about consenting adults. And while I may have been at that 1982 Boston gay-community meeting in which people discussed forming the North American Man-Boy Love Association, you should know that I don’t even think teenagers are cute. One other thing: I didn’t go into the children’s section of the library to get these books.

Last year I borrowed a bunch of books by Edward Said, including Orientalism and Cultural Imperialism. While I certainly don’t support Said’s throwing stones at Israeli soldiers, and I completely support all US aid to Israel as well as the president’s new Middle East peace plan, I have been taken by some of Said’s controversial ideas about literary theory. And while I am certainly aware — as our vice-president’s wife, Lynne Cheney, has pointed out many times — that these new, postmodern ideas can lead to some pretty sloppy, and in some cases dangerous, thinking, I do think that it is important to know about them in order to " be vigilant, " as our president and his agencies (including your own) have urged us to do. Now, you may have noticed me in some photos I saw your people taking at a pro-Palestinian rally (I think they were working for you; they were the only rally-goers wearing suits). My attendance (I was hardly participating, just watching events from the sidewalk) had nothing to do with Said’s literary criticism, no matter how misguided it might be. Also, I want to point out that while I did borrow some of Said’s books, I didn’t take out any by Susan Sontag or Noam Chomsky.

I just want to mention two more books I’ve borrowed recently (though there have been many, many more) that you might have questions about. I thought Goat Song by Frank Yerby was just a historical novel set in ancient Greece (which is the birthplace of democracy, even if the ancient Greeks did keep slaves). I had no idea there was so much homosexual sex in it. As for Middle Eastern Cooking, well, I just wanted recipes for lamb and rice pilaf. The fact is, I’d met this guy and invited him over for dinner. He wasn’t an Arab or anything, just a nice white guy. You’ll be happy to know that after looking at the lamb recipe, I decided on homemade pizza with goat cheese and artichokes instead.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions you, or your agents, might get from looking at my library record. Keep up the good work, we are all counting on you to keep us safe and sound.

Yours,

Michael Bronski

P.S. One more thing: the date didn’t work out. In fact, he went home early, so we didn’t engage in any acts of anal sodomy or oral sex — which, as I am sure you are well aware, are illegal in Massachusetts, no matter what you read.