THAT'S ALMOST DANGEROUS. Yeah, it is. Cause you forget to change. So my balls, ever since discovering Bentleys, my nuts are heavenly wonderfully. They're doing wonderful. They're very happy; they're very comfortable; they're not hanging too low; they're kept snug and close to the rest of my package. They're really happy thanks to Bentley underwear. I get 'em at the big and tall, but they're available in all sizes.
I DON'T KNOW IF SHAGGY'S IN THE BUILDING, BUT WOULD YOU CARE TO SPECULATE ON THE STATE OF HIS NUTS? Shaggy's nuts . . . I'm going to go ahead and say they're a mystery to me, brother. You're gonna have to ask the man himself. I can't possibly speculate on how his nuts are doing. I will say that I know — everybody knows about his nuts — how long they are and how they hang down in the toilet water. They're probably cold because of that aspect, but I can only wonder how his nuts are doing.
WELL IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE PROBABLY THE OPPOSITE OF YOURS IN TERMS OF COMFORT LEVEL. Well, thanks to the Bentleys, absolutely!
I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS, JUST TO LET YOU KNOW — THE INSANE CLOWN POSSE WERE VOTED NUMBER-ONE UNSEXIEST MEN OF THE YEAR IN THE BOSTON PHOENIX. Oh, wow. Only because we wear clown paint. If they saw us without the clown paint, it would be the complete opposite. We don't want to be known as sex symbols. That's why we paint our face, to give other bands a shot. We like being scrubby, we like being grimy, dirty, greasepainted thugs. Cause our faces are actually wonderfully sexy.
SO IF YOU TOOK OFF THE MAKEUP, YOU'D BE IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE, RIGHT? I'd be on an underwear ad. Our bodies are absolutely fuckin' immaculate.
I'M NOT ASHAMED TO SAY I'VE NOTICED. That's why I wear big jackets and big hoodies and things like that. And jorts. I wear jorts to prevent the outline of my ass and my ball area [from showing], because those things are extremely sexy, and I don't want that image. That's for pussies, man. I wanna be known as a thug.
As far as not being very sexy, I don't know. The people that wrote that in the paper, I don't know how many ménages à trois with hotties they've had, but I've had sex with two or three girls at once over 15 times in my life, so I'll just go ahead and throw that out there.
Different girls each time, by the way. A total of 30 girls. I'll just throw that out there and let it sizzle on the grill while they're thinkin' I'm ugly. And I've probably had sex with straight-up-beauty hotties, like right-out-of-magazine-type hotties, at least — at least — 200 times in my life. Granted, I'm older, I've been fuckin' hoes for a lot of time, but at least 200 fine-ass dimes in my life. And I think that's probably pretty damn good for a 300-plus-pound thug in greasepaint. So smoke on that.
I THINK WE CAN CALL THAT PRETTY WELL REBUTTED RIGHT THERE. THANKS SO MUCH FOR TALKING TO US, AND GOOD LUCK WITH THE NEW YEARS EVE SHOW AND WITH THE NEW YEAR IN GENERAL. Thanks, brother. Two woops, and hope to see you at the event.
MUCH CLOWN LOVE, DUDE.
Be sure to visit clownnews.webnode.com for the "nuts" question in its proper context. For tickets to the New Years Ninja Party, try tickets.com. Read David Thorpe's "Big Hurt" archives here; follow him on Twitter @Arr.