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The gay agenda

Seven reasons to boycott the Southern Baptists

1. They still wear gingham.

Nothing says "Christian Coalition wife" quite like a dreadful blue-and-white dress. How to boycott: swear off productions of Oklahoma! and chastise all 14 Dorothys at the Avalon Halloween bash.

2. Both men and women have big hair.

From Phyllis Schlafly to Jim Bakker, these people believe in the old sweep-and-spray. How to boycott: create a Sunday-morning panic by shoplifting all the cans of Aqua Net from CVS.

3. They like Family Circus. Period.

How to boycott: leak a story onto the Internet warning that the strip contains subliminal sex scenes between Jeffy and Grandpa's ghost.

4. Their cars have corny bumper stickers.

It's not cute; it's annoying. How to boycott: rear-end any bumper bearing the slogans MY BOSS IS A JEWISH CARPENTER or I'M NOT PERFECT, JUST FORGIVEN.

5. They watch Touched by an Angel.

In every episode, another sucker learns that it's okay to suffer some hideous fate as long as you realize God meant well. How to boycott: forget morality entirely -- rent AbFab.

6. They really mean "Bless you!"

Even phlegm can become a witnessing tool. How to boycott: when you hear a sneeze, say "Salud!" or "Ick!" or "Nice one!" instead.

7. They collect "Precious Moments" figurines.

No heavenly home is complete without the saintliest of chachkas. How to boycott: sneak into gift shops and pose the figurines in erotic same-sex positions; sales will drop immediately -- except in the South End.

-- David Valdes Greenwood

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