The crying game
Sometimes you can't beat a good manly blubber
by Chris Wright
The first man I ever saw cry was Bryan West. A large, violent guy from a large,
violent family, Bryan had just found out that his brother had received an
eight-year prison term for armed robbery. This, apparently, was more upsetting
than the time the same brother had beaten him with a plank. Bryan had dazzled
us kids by remaining tear-free after his planking, but now there he was,
squatting on this little patch of grass, a twine of snot running from nose to
knee.
For us, the idea that a bruiser like Bryan could be reduced to the status of
crybaby was unthinkable. Indeed, his sniveling threw us for such a loop that we
could barely muster the enthusiasm to taunt him for it. And when we did, Bryan
didn't bother to beat us up.
After Bryan there was Michael Landon, who played Charles Ingalls on Little
House on the Prairie. Though not quite a real man, Ingalls was a real
weeper. In every episode, it seemed, the sturdy frontiersman would descend into
a vale of sniffles. There was no snot, mind you, just a spangling semicircle of
tears, often accompanied by a soft smile. This was the puzzling part: Mr.
Ingalls didn't wait until he got a soccer ball in the groin; he cried when
something good happened. I didn't get it.
In the intervening years I have learned that Bryan West and Mr. Ingalls were
demonstrating two distinct forms of crying: the bad kind and the good kind. The
bad kind of crying is exhausting, depressing, even humiliating -- that is, it's
real. The second kind, the fake kind, is far more rewarding. In fact, ever
since I discovered the benefits of a good, Mr. Ingalls-style blubber, I have
been addicted.
Not that I am a weepy guy. Assaulted with images of global calamity, frustrated
and disappointed by my personal life, I remain dry-eyed for months on end. Am I
heartless? Too macho? I don't think so. Some socially conscious Victorian
novelist -- George Eliot, I believe -- summed it up for me: if we could hear
every bird and squirrel in the woods, she wrote, we'd go mad. By the same
measure, if we cried at everything that was worth crying over, we'd all be
walking around with faces that looked like huge cold sores.
Which is why we need movies. Or why I need movies. Every now and then, when the
world is too much with me, I'll get myself horribly hung-over, settle down with
a good weepie, and let it all out. It might sound harsh, but there's nothing
like a dose of Sense and Sensibility to assuage the horror of an
earthquake or a plane crash -- not to mention a bad day at the office. The
point is, bottled-up grief must be uncorked by artifice for it to prompt the
good kind of tears -- the cleansing, phony kind. I'm not picky. Babe: Pig in
the City will do the job. I have blubbed over episodes of Family
Ties, boo-hooed over AT&T ads.
A friend of mine thinks this is dumb. I'm being manipulated, he says. Well,
fiction is manipulation. If sobbing over Shadowlands is dumb,
then so is the entire Western tradition. Aristotle was not above getting
lachrymose over the occasional Euripides sob story. Shakespeare was a notorious
tearjerker ("Speak of me as . . . one that lov'd not wisely but too
well"). As tragedians and schlock merchants alike have long understood, fake
crying is good for you. It's called catharsis.
I couldn't have known what catharsis was, or even pronounced it, the first time
I remember experiencing it. It was around the same time that Bryan's brother
went away. Someone had stolen my new bike, possibly Bryan. I was distraught,
yet I didn't cry. My stoic façade lasted until the moment one of the
bigger kids, Martin White, offered to help me look for it. This kind act was
all it took to bring me to my knees.
The emotive potential of this scenario -- the good deed in bad times -- has not
been lost on Hollywood. The movies' most accomplished version of Martin White
is Oskar Schindler, the softhearted industrialist of Schindler's List.
To this day I cannot look at big old Liam Neeson staggering around going, "I
could have done more!" without an attack of the hiccuping sobs.
In the real world, of course, such antidotes to evil as Oskar Schindler and
Martin White are rare. In the real world, horror usually prevails. A little
more than 10 years ago, I spent an entire day in front of the tube, watching
grimly, but utterly dry-eyed, as the atrocities of Tiananmen Square unfolded.
Later that night, Terms of Endearment came on. By the time a terminally
ill Debra Winger turned to her son and said, "I know you love me," I was
juddering like a jackhammer.
I don't know whether Terms of Endearment is the best weepie ever made or
simply taps into the emotions I felt that day, but I blubber every time I see
it. In fact, these days, because I anticipate Winger's illness, I cry in
the happy bits as well as the sad bits. But I rarely watch that film now. For
all its potency, Winger's death still leaves a residue of angst. For me, the
best kind of tears -- the Mr. Ingalls-like smiley kind, the truly cathartic
there-there kind -- flow from feel-good flicks: When Harry Met Sally,
As Good as It Gets.
Recently I rented Jerry Maguire. I'd had a terrible week, and I was set
for a good psychic enema. Indeed, I'd already welled up at a couple of
semi-weepy moments early in the film, and as it neared its climax -- where Tom
Cruise rushes home to estranged wife Renée Zellweger and declares his
true love -- I felt months of pent-up sorrow rising within me. I leaned
forward. Cruise fixed Zellweger with a woeful stare. She spun about; more
stares. His eyes filled up, her lip quivered, then, then,
then . . . my wife walked into the room: "I'm sorry, I can't
take Tom Cruise seriously."
Pop.
Cruise's "You complete me" sounded as contrived and silly as it is. Zellweger's
"You had me at `hello' " was eclipsed by a cloud of irony. I was left with
emotional blue balls. That was a month ago, and I haven't been myself since.
But I think it's going to be okay. Tonight I'm going down to the video store,
I'm renting It's a Wonderful Life, and I'm going to rid myself of the
Chechnya crisis once and for all.
Chris Wright can be reached at cwright[a]phx.com.