Pundit's purple majesty

The wit and wisdom of David Nyhan

by Dan Kennedy

After a career of toiling in the local vineyards, churning out punditry strictly for the edification of readers of the Boston Globe (the occasional syndicated piece notwithstanding), political columnist David Nyhan is finally getting the national -- nay, international -- recognition he deserves.

Nyhan's brush with fame has come as a result of his purple prose in behalf of John McCain's late presidential campaign. The Los Angeles Times cited him as an example of the "just plain gushing" coverage McCain received. The Economist awarded him its "Overworked Metaphor of the Week" prize for his column on McCain's New Hampshire primary win.

But there's more to Nyhan than just his cheerleading for McCain. Here are some of his greatest hits from the past year. Roll the tape.

"But pugnacity in a politician can wear thin as quickly as profanity from the lips of a woman."

March 15, 2000

"The old fighter pilot [that would be McCain] put the stick over, throttled to the redline, and screamed in low over the conservative heartland, firing off rockets, bullets, bombs, the works. He was never the kind of naval aviator to return to his carrier with unused ordnance."

March 1, 2000

"The sword-swinging leader of the Braveheart crusade to purge corruption from the political money system [McCain again]. . . . What he did Tuesday, winning the Michigan primary with the votes of hundreds of thousands of independents and crossover Democrats, was the modern political equivalent of plucking Excalibur from the frozen stone of partisan rigidity. By confounding the Republican establishment that had too-hastily embraced Prince George of BushLand, McCain sows panic in the leadership of the party he needs to nominate him."

February 25, 2000

"The meltdown of the Cellucci administration is accelerating. Like a dysfunctional family that can no longer cope, the Cellucci-ites are going cannibal. . . . The Klown Kollege that is the governor's staff went into the equivalent of a plane crash drill."

February 11, 2000

"John McCain, take a bow. Take two bows. Because you took about everything else. And gave Texas Governor George W. Bush a shellacking so thorough that he left town a whittled-down and sorely whipped frontrunner, propped up by their man's stomach, chin, and heart."

February 2, 2000

"It just came to me what the 'W' stands for in George W. Bush: 'Wheeeeeeee!!!' That's the sound of a politician who's just promised everyone a tax cut. Any hedge or qualification of that, Gov'nor? No? 'Everybody gets a tax cut,' says Boy George. Whee! Promise-them-anything-but-give-them-a-tax-tantalizer is a strand of DNA that runs deep in the Bush dynasty gene pool. Remember 'Read my lips, no new taxes'? Ring a bell?"

January 21, 2000

"John McCain has his enemies where he wants them: all lined up right in front of him, and blazing away in his direction. The maverick Arizona Republican, the least programmed and most focused of the eight men still running for president, is attracting all kinds of flak in New Hampshire as the old fighter pilot comes around for his make-or-break strafing run before New Hampshire votes. . . . He flies a high-risk heading, with ack-ack coming from lots of lobbyists. . . . You can wing him, you can slow him down, you can shoot him down, but you cannot cow him."

January 12, 2000

"There are 6 billion of us white-knuckled passengers on the watery orb hurtling around our sun, and we are all turning clock and calendar in the same direction. There's no going back, but we cannot help looking back. Whence sprang we? Where are we? Where are we going?"

January 2, 2000

"In his wayward fashion, Wild Bill is the paradigm of this incredible economic expansion. It just keeps keeping on, and so does Will-yum Jefferson. . . . Since Clinton came into power with his finger-poppin' speechifying and zig-zags to the middle, the American economy has performed like no other economic engine in the history of civilization."

January 1, 2000

"Petty, vengeful, small-minded and ultimately inconsequential are all suitable adjectives for this Kollection of Klucks and Klaghorns currently reigning in Congress."

October 15, 1999

"It has been argued a hundred times in this space that the seismic shifts in American politics come from below, like the lava bursting through the earth's crust, and not from on high, dictated by shadowy elites, which is the staple of the conspiracy theorists who regularly beguile the rubes."

September 17, 1999

"It will be two years ago tomorrow that William of Weld waved his figurative sword in lordly fashion at the State House dome, informed his loyal acolyte, 'It's all yours,' and strode from the scene, leaving Paul Cellucci with a cushy surplus, a team in place, and a head start on reelection. . . . The talent level has fallen off dramatically since Weld loped onstage with libertarian brio, demanding tax cuts, the heads of dead criminals, a walrus slaughter to decimate the state payroll, and leaner-meaner gummint all round."

July 28, 1999

"You get elected by saying 'yes'; you also go into debt when saying 'yes.' And the Klown Kollege that is our Krazy Kongress kannot say 'no' when the simple negative is what is required."

July 9, 1999

"Those Krazy Kops in Kongress . . . "

July 4, 1999

"Ideally, Slobodan would be Slobo-gone after a stray piece of NATO ordnance found him during a night raid; that would be justice in action. But the Group of Eight agreement announced yesterday achieves the NATO objectives and fences off the Serbian threat, quarantining the rabid Serbian chief in his own lair."

May 7, 1999