The power of denial

It's the hottest new coping mechanism -- order yours today!

by Kris Frieswick

[Fade up on infomercial set]

Hello, and welcome to another episode of Modern Coping Mechanisms. I'm your host, Amber Withers. You know, folks, for years we've been told that confronting difficult issues, staring them down, and wrestling them into submission in the cold, hard light of day is the only right way to cope with problems. Well, I don't know about you, but I've been facing my issues head-on for years, and I'm no closer to mental health than I was 20 years ago [audience chuckles]. And I know I'm not alone. So today, I'd like to share the story of how I embarked on a new path to mental health. I'm going to tell you the story of how I discovered the Healing Power of Denial(TM).

Denial? "Hang on, Amber," you might say. "Isn't denial for the morally corrupt? The emotionally bankrupt?" Well, don't be so quick to judge, my friends. I used to be the most moral person in the world. I always did the right thing, always took full responsibility for my actions. Then, one day, I forgot to pick my two-year-old up at day care. I'm sorry. I'm human. I'm a busy professional woman. I make mistakes. Okay, so it was the third time I'd forgotten that week, but still, the guilt trip that day-care provider laid on me was just too much. This has got to stop, I thought. That's when I decided to tap into the Healing Power of Denial. I vowed there and then to pretend that day-care lady didn't exist, to just turn my back and walk away, to click off the little switch that kept the guilt humming in my head day and night. I mean, what the hell, the kid'll survive if I'm late. That day, my life changed forever [polite applause].

It is now my belief that the Healing Power of Denial offers one of the most efficient coping mechanisms ever invented. It's simple, it's quick, and it provides immediate and often lasting relief from the day-to-day stresses that used to plague me and bring me down.

Now, I won't lie to you. For the first few days, each time I thought about the ugly scene at the day-care center, I felt bad. But, using one of the techniques developed for this new book The Healing Power of Denial(TM), I simply repeated the mantra "It doesn't matter." After a week on this program, I really believed it was okay that I was compulsively late to pick up my kid, and that it wasn't my fault at all. With that, I felt lighter than I had in years [audience oohs and aahs].

When I first entered this strange new land called "denial," it was a little disturbing. I pondered the uncharted territory I in which I found myself. I was in denial. Denial. The mental state that heralds inevitable mental and moral deterioration. The place to which you retreat when you just can't deal anymore. The zone in which a simple lie is far superior to an uncomfortable truth.

Then it occurred to me that I was just part of a trend currently sweeping the country, fomented, no doubt, by the fever pitch of denial that typifies this hallowed time we know as our presidential-campaign season. So, rather than suffer embarrassment for my retreat into denial, I have chosen to embrace it, and to spread the gospel about my newfound coping mechanism to you, the unnecessarily responsible, sensitive, and moral masses [audience applauds wildly].

You see, the Healing Power of Denial(TM) is based on several well-known philosophies that argue that suffering depends largely on how a person reacts to life's stresses. These philosophies claim that you can control your reaction to distressing occurrences in and around your life. If you don't let them in, they can't hurt you. Well, the Healing Power of Denial just takes this logic one step further by allowing you to imagine that these things never actually happened in the first place. Or, if you can't completely ignore them, it helps you to convince yourself that they just don't affect you.

You may be wondering how this new approach operates in day-to-day life. In fact, you may already be living in denial and not even realize it. Here are some examples of how the Healing Power of Denial can help you refine your techniques.

Suppose you are a spokesperson for the Russian Navy, and a submarine carrying 116 of your finest submariners has sunk to the bottom of the Barents Sea. When asked by a concerned media whether the seamen are in danger, you flip to Chapter Three and select the "No big deal" comeback. You respond, "They are in no immediate danger and we have the situation under control." See how simple it is! You can now go home and rest comfortably, assured within yourself that those men will also rest well in their comfortable, immediate-danger-free beds at the bottom of the sea.

In another scenario, you might be a major tire manufacturer faced with a flurry of complaints from customers who blame your tires for hundreds of serious accidents across the United States. How to cope? Just check out Chapter Eight, and employ the "Not our job" defense. Simply reply, "The customers didn't inflate those tires properly." I mean, how much easier could it be? Your conscience is clear, the issue has been removed from your shoulders, and you can quietly continue to coordinate the massive tire recall already under way in other countries around the world. All thanks to the Healing Power of Denial.

The book could also come in handy if you're the president of an impoverished African nation whose population has been ravaged by AIDS. As the bodies pile up, you quickly refer to Chapter Seven, and, in accordance with its "blame deflection" technique, you calmly announce that "poverty, not HIV, causes AIDS." With that simple statement, blame shifts from you and your domestic health policies to all those rich countries that won't help. Another success story for the Healing Power of Denial.

But don't take my word for it. Try it at home, absolutely free of charge [order number flashes on bottom of screen], and if you're not completely satisfied with the results of the Healing Power of Denial, simply return the book and revert back to your old, stress-provoking, honest, fully accountable, responsible ways . . . and just see where that gets you. Don't delay, order today! And thanks for tuning in.

[Fade to black]

Kris Frieswick can be reached at krisf1@gte.net.

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