Nice guys finish vaguely

by Nina Willdorf

The last time I got dumped, it took me four days to figure it out. I was far from believing things were still on, but I made the mistake of taking his words literally. Words like "I don't want things to end." Oops.

I was, as of yet, unaware that I had just experienced the nuances of an expertly executed Nice-Guy Break-up.

"What a dick," huffed a girlfriend, as I closed the first of the four days.

"He's not a dick," I responded. "Everything's cool. We had a really good talk." I went on and on, standing up for his Nice Guyness. See, I hadn't quite sifted through the dizzying array of contradictions he'd thrown my way in The Talk.

But I'm learning.

If the break-up aftermath is a multi-step process, I staggered through the steps slowly. First, there was Step One: confusion. After that, I was slapped with Step Two: realization. With the proverbial light bulb now glowing brightly, I bounced to Step Three: analytic appreciation.

What terrific technique, I thought, grinning. Minimal messiness. Perfectly done. 10. By the time I realized we were finito, he was so far away he didn't have to brave anything as messy as my indignation, sadness, or total confusion.

How, you may ask, does one execute a successful Nice-Guy Break-up?

It seems essential to have a ready repertoire of shifty language, clichés, and words that don't really mean anything. Typically, a Nice-Guy Break-up includes a bumbling stream of phrases, comprising a medley of contradictions. Some favorites: "I love hanging out with you" closely followed by "Maybe we should take some time off." Or "You're terrific" as a lead-in to "I'm not sure we're right for each other." Ultimately, the goal is purposeful -- almost artful -- ambiguity. If successful, the Nice Guy can remain "nice" while doing something that, well, isn't all that nice.

Sam, a 24-year-old high-tech employee in San Francisco, confirms that Nice Guys should not speak the truth. He's broken up with so many women he couldn't even put a number on it, but he still fancies himself a Nice Guy, well versed in the signature break-up style. "I usually find myself being cagey and evasive," he explains.

Equally important in the Nice-Guy Break-up is body language. One must combine warm looks and soft touches with the verbal cold shoulder; "maybes" must be punctuated with direct eye contact and unwavering smiles. While the Bold Ballsy Break-up may be difficult in a "harsh truth" kind of way, the Nice-Guy Break-up is equally challenging in its strategic subtlety. It is important to convey the impression -- while acting all torn and looking up with sad eyes -- that this is a Team Effort, that you are in this together, allies in this whole sucky break-up thing.

Then, a few days later, it dawns on you that you are France and he is England. You may have been allies in World War II, but that was a long time ago. Diplomatic efforts are in vain because, at the end of the day, you've discovered that England's dropped a bomb on, say, Paris.

In his romantic wanderings, Sam has tested a number of different techniques, but he marvels at the success of the Nice-Guy Break-up. More difficult than the Blow-off Break-up, the Straight-up Break-up, or the Simultaneously-Agreed-Upon Break-up, though, the Nice-Guy Break-up must be honed.

We've compiled some Cliffs Notes for Nice-Guy Break-up One-Liners, for easy reference for both Nice Guys (or Nice Gals, for that matter) and their victims. See, sometimes, in breaking up, it helps to cheat a little.

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1) "I really dig you."

Translation: "I really don't dig you all that much."

This half-truth captures a key conundrum for the Nice Guy. He is reluctant to say such a harsh thing, because then he isn't likely to be dug. And why else would someone want to be so, well, nice anyway?

2) "Maybe we should just take a break."

Translation: "Leave me alone. Stop calling, stop e-mailing. And for the love of God, stop asking my friends about me."

The problem with the word "break," is that some people actually use it, horror of horrors, literally. Others prefer the more euphemistic usage, which translates as "until I coincidentally bump into you in this inconveniently small town." Here, it's best to avoid clarifying exactly how long said "break" should last.

3) "It's not you; it's me."

Translation: "It's not me; it's you." Or "It's not you [I like]; it's me [who needs to end this so that I can stop wasting my time]."

The grandfather of all cliché break-up lines, this one has served many, including Sam, well. "Blaming yourself is always a good strategy," he says. "You're perfect and fabulous, and I'm just broken," he demonstrates. "I think women would really like to believe that." But is he really broken? Nah, but that's of no importance, as long as she's not destroyed in the immediate aftermath of the line's delivery.

4) "I'm going through so much right now. I can't give you what you deserve."

Translation: "I am a very complicated person. You couldn't possibly understand me. I deserve better."

My friend Jenn diagnoses those who use this line -- usually pseudo-intellectuals -- as having the I'm-Too-Complex Complex. "Guys who say this get off on being mysteriously fucked up," she says. "But they're really no more complex than anyone else."

5) " . . . "

Translation: "I absolutely know what you mean. I've just been avoiding thinking about things because I don't want to deal."

In the Passive-Aggressive Nice-Guy Break-up, one plods along doing not-so-nice things, praying for the other to pull the plug."I just get all sour and aggressive," admits Sam, "and she gets to do the break-up." The essential element here is to greet the news with mock surprise.

Ultimately, Sam concedes, the best course is to just push away all pesky break-up thoughts. "It's always been my tack to not think about it," he says. "That's my best advice. Avoid thinking about it."

Nina Willdorf, not so nice, can be found thinking about it at nwilldorf[a]phx.com.

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