Clinton reelected!

How Newt was hoist with his own petard

by Barry Crimmins

Most every adult this side of Utah has had one of those mornings when their significant other or roommate has greeted them with the question all brutally hung-over people hate to hear: "Do you remember what you did last night?"

Last Wednesday, somewhere in Ohio, a woman faced just such an inquiry.

But rather than take her questioner's word for what she did, this tortured soul could relive her night of horror by simply flicking on the television. Her alcohol-fueled freak-out was all over the dial.

In case you missed it, this still-unidentified woman made an inebriated foray onto the stage at Ohio Democratic gubernatorial candidate Lee Fisher's campaign headquarters in Columbus, where she commandeered the microphone in the middle of his concession speech. She then unleashed the most profane tirade directed at a losing team in Columbus since Woody Hayes died. She was finally dragged, kicking and screaming, from the stage, but not before she knocked over Gayle Channing-Tenenbaum, the campaign manager for losing secretary of state candidate Charleta Tavares. Channing-Tenenbaum, who uses a cane, bumped her head and was knocked cold.

It was a stunning and embarrassing psychodrama. People froze in stark terror. Each second seemed to last longer than the Reagan administration. There was even some speculation that the late comic Andy Kaufman, a man who devoted his life to curdling audiences with bizarre stunts, had risen from the dead and was up to his old tricks, this time in drag.

Nobody could have wanted to trade places with that woman Wednesday morning.

Nobody, that is, except Newt Gingrich.

Hers was a brief outburst; Gingrich was being held accountable for four years of political obscenity.

As the future former Speaker of the House's dreams of a thousand-year Republican Reich toppled about him, Newt greeted Wednesday's sunrise the same way he left us Tuesday night: looking shifty and defeated in the network glare.

He told commentators he was upset that African-Americans had turned out in large numbers to vote 8-1 against his party. The Speaker came just short of bemoaning the upgrade blacks received from three-fifths-of-a-man status after the Civil War and the one-liberal, one-vote foolishness that had led us to this sorry day.

He blamed the media's focus on the Clinton-Lewinsky affair for the failure of the American people to increase the Republican majority in the House of Representatives. Had Gingrich not been retreating into a comfortable cocoon of shock, even he would have felt just a bit of shame for attempting to dump such a fetid load of manure.

A several-million-dollar last-minute GOP TV splurge in 30 key congressional districts had consisted of nothing more than advertisements of the fact that Clinton had an affair. And this inane maneuver was forever engraved with Gingrich's imprimatur. He could not escape it.

How even Gingrich could be so half-witted is hard to fathom. How the hell did the Republican leadership decide the best thing it could do was advertise the fact that Bill Clinton had committed adultery? Who didn't know that? Had the Republicans forgotten that last August Clinton gave a speech, aired worldwide, admitting this sordid behavior? Had it slipped their minds how our national water pressure dropped as we all ran in and showered after watching our president confess to such cheesy conduct? Americans made it clear that although we don't endorse the president's behavior, we discern a difference between lying about a sexual affair and, say, authorizing a break-in at a political opponent's headquarters. Had they missed that?

Ironically, had Gingrich not pressed his luck, the GOP might have held on to enough seats in the House to move forward with impeachment. And maybe the party would even have picked up enough votes in the Senate to guarantee Clinton's ouster. Instead, the Dems gained five seats in the House and held their own in the Senate. Now if the elephants want to push impeachment during the next session of Congress, they know they will be doing so at their own electoral peril.

So on Wednesday morning, as Gingrich lied to the media with much less verve than usual, the truth was simple. He had played a major role in reelecting a president who wasn't even on the ballot or eligible to run for another term.

After that it was just a matter of time before his party's blood lust, originally focused on Clinton, would be satiated by the ample flesh of Newt Gingrich. He had trained the House Republicans, and they learned their lessons well. We now know why Newt looked so uncomfortable on TV that first morning. It is hard to lean back and relax when your back is full of daggers.

Barry Crimmins is a social commentator living in Ohio.