Dare to be dysfunctional

Self-helpless? Have I got a book for you . . .

Out There by Dan Zevin

This week's New York Times bestseller list features Don't Sweat the Small Stuff -- And It's All Small Stuff, Conversations with God, and Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul II -- a state of affairs leading many of my fellow men and women of letters to conclude that the age of literature is dead. Personally, I have come to a more . . . ambitious conclusion: that the time is ripe for me to write a shitty self-help book.

The only glitch is, I've always felt a little left out of this whole self-help thing. No alcoholism. No codependency. Not even much of a dysfunctional family, truth be told. In the midst of the recovery revolution, I'm ashamed to admit that I'm a relatively well-adjusted individual with nothing much to recover from. What could I possibly contribute to this burgeoning genre?

But recently it hit me: surely there were others out there just like me! And surely there was a way I could help the members of this untapped market if I could give them some kind of pop-psych pseudo-syndrome (PPPS) to read about in their very own self-help book. After many minutes of tortured literary labor, I am proud to present the revolutionary concept for my self-help magnum opus: Dare to Be Dysfunctional, the first book that helps the chronically non-dysfunctional let go of their boring, bourgeois lives and proudly plunge into the maladjusted mainstream.

Haven't you always wished you could be more interesting, popular, and au courant by being more dysfunctional? No? I am not surprised. The person with the problem is always the last to see that it exists. But with the help of my forthcoming masterwork, you'll never feel like a functional freak again. What follows are exclusive excerpts from the book that is going to catapult me, Dr. Dan Zevin,^[1] to the top of the Advice, How-To, and Miscellaneous bestseller list.

Conquering high self-esteem

We can't hate others until we have learned to hate ourselves. Yet before we can unleash our true dysfunctional potential, we must break free of that crippling character flaw called "self-esteem." When we are burdened by self-esteem, we are saying to the world: "I am head and shoulders above the rest"; "I am the greatest thing since sliced bread"; "I am the Almighty Lord thy God and thou shalt have no other gods before me."

Who is to blame for self-esteem? As with all of our shortcomings, we must blame our parents. When we were small, they often asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" To their delight, we would reply, "An astronaut!" "A movie star!" "A baseball player!" Chances are, you are not employed in any of these fields today. In other words, you have not lived up to your parents' expectations. In their eyes, you are a failure. Hold on to that thought for a moment. Feel it. You are a failure.

Today, try something in a new way!

If you are plagued by the fear that you are "good" at something, try doing it in a different way. Do you knit? Why not try doing it with thumbtacks for a change? Are you a voracious reader? How about challenging yourself with some books written in Arabic? Right now, make a list of some of the things you're good at. Then, triumphantly tear it to shreds and throw it to the wind. By symbolically "ripping ourself to shreds," we can break out of old routines and start anew. Whether it's trying to play our favorite piano piece on the glockenspiel, driving blindfolded, or simply plunging slalom-style down a black-diamond ski slope with a group of Swiss freestyle racers who roll their eyes every time they have to wait for us to bandage another fracture, we will finally see that we're not so perfect after all.

Is it ever okay to have high self-esteem?

It is permissible to have high self-esteem only when there is no justification for it. This enables you to become one of those assuredly dysfunctional persons who are clearly bad at something, but believe they are very good at it. Such persons are most easily encountered at our nearest place of employment.

Let us assume that we have a colleague named Babette,^[2] who works in the accounting department.^[3] It is obvious to everyone in "accounting" that "Babette" is glaringly inept. In fact, she can only count up to 10, and even then, she must use her fingers and recite, "One, two, buckle my shoe; three, four, open the door." Does this stop "Babette" from believing in herself? I should think not. One day after washing off the multiplication tables she has secretly scrawled on the palm of her hand, she strides into the supervisor's office and demands a raise. "I am an indispensable member of this `accounting' department," she states. "You had better give me a promotion or you are going to lose me, and then this entire conglomeration will fall to pieces."

How does the boss respond to "Babette's" splendidly unwarranted sense of self-esteem? He names her president of "accounting," that's how. After all, he himself was once a totally incompetent employee with a remarkably inflated sense of self-esteem. How do you think he got to be boss, anyway?

As we learn from the realistic case study of "Babette," you won't get ahead unless you're a head case.(TM) But what about YOU? Are you sick of being the only one in your crowd who doesn't have the luxury of blaming your fate on something horrible that must have happened to you a long time ago? Are you tired of being excluded from chic 12-step soirees where the beautiful dysfunctional people "empower," "validate," and "support" each other? Then watch this column in coming months for more exclusive installments of my important work-in-progress, Dare to Be Dysfunctional. And until then, remember:

Being dysfunctional can empower you to appear on the cover of People magazine with a candid comeback tale of addiction, abuse, and the release of your brand-new CD, on sale now at fine stores everywhere.

Being dysfunctional can validate you on prestigious daytime talk shows, where you'll share the spotlight with other panelists who also enjoy wearing a giant baby bonnet and getting a spanking on national TV.

Being dysfunctional can support you with the piles of money you'll make by writing a self-help book for vulnerable, troubled readers in desperate need of a friend.

So long, friend! I'll see you on the bestseller list!

---

^[1]not a real doctor
^[2]not her real name
^[2]not her real department

---

Dan Zevin's latest book is The Nearly-Wed Handbook: How to Survive the Happiest Day of Your Life (Avon Books). You can reach him by visiting www.nearlywed.com.