DON'T

Student special

by Chris Wright

illustrations by Kevin Banks

Welcome to the big city, kids. Boston is a fun place to be young -- to "hang" with your friends, or just "chill out" -- especially if you've moved here from some little backwoods hellhole. But remember, Boston can also be a challenge for greenhorns, fraught with peril and the potential for faux pas. So here are a few words of advice: DON'T be stupid. More specifically:

Don't go downtown without shoes on. . . . Don't wear a beret in Southie. . . . Don't put money on the Sox. . . . Don't refer to the T as the EM-BEE-TEE-AY. . . . Don't use the Fast Lane. . . . Don't smoke in Bread & Circus. . . . Don't smoke in Brookline. . . . Don't trust the words "cheap" or "friendly". . . . Don't drink the water at the Christian Science Center. . . . Don't breathe the air at the Park Street station. . . . Don't use the bathrooms at the Boston Public Library. . . . Don't wear Prada at the Plough & Stars. . . . Don't expect to see Norm at Cheers. . . . Don't approach Whitey Bulger. . . . Don't wear a Lacoste shirt at ManRay. . . . Don't whoop at the Brattle Theatre. . . . Don't go sailing with Sandy Tennant. . . . Don't plan a picnic in Hyde Park. . . . Don't park your car in Harvard Yard. . . . Don't sing "God Save the Queen" in Charlestown. . . . Don't order Jell-O shots at the Oak Room. . . . Don't leave less than two hours to get to Logan. . . . Don't assume everyone's going the same way on a one-way street. . . . Don't take your sister to Daisy Don't eat any snow. . . . Don't quote Jesse Helms at the Someday Café. . . . Don't give the finger to people with tinted windows. . . . Don't bring your parents to the Glass Slipper. . . . Buchanan's. . . . Don't read a map in public after 11 p.m. . . . Don't admit you don't know who Tom Finneran is. . . . Don't ask why South Boston is east and East Boston is north. . . . Don't expect baked beans to taste better here. . . . Don't expect the Celtics to be Irish. . . . Don't confuse Fenway fans with the Fenway fens. . . . Don't believe any realtor who says "Back Bay". . . . Don't expect a massage at any store called a "spa". . . . Don't assume the Expressway will be express, or even a way. . . . Don't wear a Harvard sweatshirt if you don't go to Harvard. . . . Don't wear a Harvard sweatshirt if you do go to Harvard. . . . Don't walk across the Tobin Bridge. . . . Don't drive across the Tobin Bridge if you can help it. . . . Don't bother to signal. . . . Don't expect to see anyone famous in Braintree. . . . Don't eat Necco Wafers for breakfast. . . . Don't piss off the Fenway Action Coalition. . . . Don't drive to the Cape on a Saturday morning. . . . Don't ask where the Wal-Mart is. . . . Don't take a boat to the Floating Hospital. . . . Don't swim in the Charles. . . . Don't sit on the dock of the Back Bay. . . . Don't slap Mayor Menino on the back and say, "How ya doin', Mumbles?". . . . Don't climb on the statues. . . . Don't say the weather is better in LA. . . . Don't say the shopping is better in New York. . . . Don't talk to people who are already talking to themselves. . . . Don't assume cab drivers know where they're going. . . . Don't hold your breath waiting for the Green Line. . . . Don't take the A train. . . . Don't mock the '60s in Cambridge. . . . Don't look for a public restroom. . . . Don't pee in public. . . . Don't buy your socks at Armani. . . . Don't have anything to do with people who buy their socks at Armani. . . . Don't have anything to do with Adam Berke. . . . Don't ask him why not. . . . Don't eat the swordfish at the Aquarium Café. . . . Don't go near the CambridgeSide Galleria within a week of Christmas. . . . Don't write to Mike Barnicle c/o the Globe. . . . Don't stop when the light turns yellow. . . . Don't wear open-toed sandals at Filene's Basement. . . . Don't try to figure out the Filene's Basement discount scheme. . . . Don't move the folding chairs in the North End. . . . Don't wear stilettos in January. . . . Don't go to Aujourd'hui until you can pronounce it. . . . Don't wear your WWF T-shirt in Wellesley. . . . Don't go beer for beer with Ray Flynn. . . . Don't pass out at the Bristol Lounge. . . . Don't watch Channel 3 if you're not high. . . . Don't take the T after 1 a.m. . . . Don't ask Allston Beat sales clerks where the drums are. . . . Don't ask pimps for directions. . . . Don't pronounce your r's. . . . Don't fart at the Omni Theater. . . . Don't feed the rats. . . . Don't buy nipple rings at Shreve, Crump & Low. . . . Don't have your picture taken with the teddy bear outside FAO Schwarz. . . . Don't ask where "Tree-mont" Street is. . . . Don't reply to personal ads signed "Killer". . . . Don't pick on the Kennedys; they've had a hard millennium. . . . Don't believe everything you read in the papers. . . . Don't do laughing gas. . . . Don't laugh. . . . Don't worry. . . .