5 new careers for Gore

1. Porn star

The name Al Gore doesn't usually evoke the word "sex" -- and if it does, the word "vomit" isn't far behind. But we caught a glimpse of Al's porn-star potential at the Democratic convention, when he stuck his tongue so far down Tipper's throat he could taste her lunch. As "Hanging" Chad Gore, not only would he be able to explore more intimate anatomical avenues, but he'd get to make an asset of his famous stiffness.

2. Pro wrestler

Al Gore might have a brilliant political mind, but he has a wrestler's neck. Furthermore, any doubts about his potential for fearsome violence were dispelled during the third presidential debate, when he loomed over George W. in a manner that would have had Stone Cold Steve Austin crapping in his tights. Now, with his hopes and desires down the tubes, who knows the depths of Al Grrr's fury?

3. Novelist

Although many expect him to write a second nonfiction book, Al Gore has proven himself to be an extremely gifted storyteller. Indeed, he already has an outline for Love Story II: Harvard grad comes back from harrowing tour of Vietnam, writes speeches for Hubert Humphrey, invents Internet, and falls in love with student who, owing to a lack of desks, has to stand at the back of the class ...

4. Survivor contestant

If Al Gore needs to make a quick buck to tide him over while he's job hunting, he could do worse than try his hand at Survivor. For starters, as Richard Hatch demonstrated, grating on your fellow contestants' nerves tends to be an advantage on the show. Even more heartening, though, is the fact that in order to be voted off the island, Al would need to get some votes.

5. Professional gambler

Failing a Survivor windfall, Al Gore could make a bundle on the poker circuit. He's an experienced card counter and a seasoned strategist. And then there's that poker face. Does he have a royal flush? A pair of twos? A ferret in his pants? Who knows? Although "Tallahassee" Al's reluctance to fold might cause a few problems, at least we know he's a gracious loser.

-- Chris Wright