by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was reading a newspaper article -- I think it was in USA Today -- where they had an interview with Melissa Joan Hart, the star of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, on TV. In the article, she was offering advice, presumably to teenagers, about how a female should go about asking out a guy. She said that it was a bad idea to get into one of those "he said that you said that I said that you said something" explanations about why you called and just ask the guy out.

Perhaps it is good advice for her teenaged fan base, but I think that the respective relationships of young people and older adults are quite different. As a 34-year-old woman, I do not believe this "straight-ahead" technique works for adults, and that I should stick with the roundelay of confusion that Melissa Joan gives such short shrift to. I've found in my life that the more one confuses a man -- and this generally doesn't take any great effort -- the better things work out.

-- Committed to Confusion

Dear Committed,

Dr. Lovemonkey is not one to disagree with Sabrina, the Teenage Witch on any substantial issues. Be it trade policy with Sri Lanka or the correct posture the US State Department should take to best discourage nuclear proliferation in North Korea, I would go with what Sabrina has to say. Of course, when it comes to relationships and matters of the heart, I find solace in the philosophy of Don Knotts or, when he's not available, Tori Spelling. In looking through both Don's and Tori's public utterances on this particular topic, I've been unable to find a direct, or even coherent, answer.

But as a 34-year-old woman, you've had enough personal experience to arrive at this wisdom: that confusion is good when trying to explain your motivations to anyone. You have come a long way, baby, and Dr. Lovemonkey congratulates you on your selective celebrity-reading regimen and outstanding memory for important facts.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My best girlfriend, Lisa, has been going out with this guy, Jeff, for almost two years now. Jeff was cheating on her for a while, about six months ago, and when Lisa suspected it, he lied. Well, eventually Lisa found out for sure and Jeff had to admit what he'd done. They split up for maybe a few weeks, but soon got back together. It seems that Lisa has forgiven him.

Anyway, here's the problem that I have. Lisa and I have been really close since high school. I basically can't stand that pond scum Jeff and have pretty much kept my distance from him. My relationship with Lisa continued, but recently it seems that she's getting uncomfortable with my inability to forgive her swine boyfriend. I don't want this to deteriorate into a situation where she has to choose between us, because I don't think Lisa's ready to split up with Jeff yet.

But I feel totally justified in my attitude towards him. I just don't want to damage to my relationship with Lisa. What do you suggest I do?

-- Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated Friend,

You are probably right about Jeff and also probably right in gauging Lisa's mood. If she is starting to show discomfort with your open show of disdain for Jeff, I suggest that you call a small truce and make some attempt to forgive Jeff. Not that he's necessarily worthy of forgiveness (deep down, you will never fully trust him), but there are a number of pluses to taking this approach.

First, it will lessen the tension between Lisa and you. Also, if you are able to maintain your close relationship with her, chances are she'll turn to you for advice or comfort if Jeff slips into cretin mode again, and you can let her know, in no uncertain terms, how you really feel.

Then there's the famous code of the Corleones (once again, Dr. Lovemonkey turns to the cinema for his inspiration) as expressed by Don Vito in the first Godfather movie: "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer." This choice bit of Sicilian folklore, courtesy of Mario Puzo and Paramount Studios (at the time, a division of Gulf & Western) has always struck me as excellent advice. Also, very good is "don't let anyone outside of the family ever know what you're thinking," but we'll discuss large-scale heroin distribution schemes at another time. Actually, we won't, but that shouldn't keep you from viewing and enjoying the Godfather many more times. Who knows? Maybe Jeff will screw up so egregiously that Lisa will actually beg for you to place a severed horse's head between his sheets. Now wouldn't that be fun?

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

What would be an appropriate gift to give the mother of a girl you've been seeing for less than six months for Mother's Day?

-- J.H.

Dear J.H.,

Since Mother's Day would be a time to honor your own mother, it is not necessary, nor customary, for someone to give a gift to the mother of someone you have only recently begun seeing. However, if you have become close to your new girlfriend's mother, a modest gift like flowers would certainly be okay. Expensive jewelry, furs or large new kitchen appliances would be out of the question, lest your girlfriend's mother start suspecting that you're currently employed in either electoral politics or the related and equally exciting world of organized crime.

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