by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going out with my boyfriend for about six months now and he is the kindest, gentlest person in the world. There is absolutely nothing violent in his nature at all, but he seems to love violent movies on TV. Not just any old violent movies, however. He likes the really low-budget, cheap and stupid ones. And he always laughs at them. He also likes them even more if there are gratuitous sexual scenes in them. The more gratuitous and unrelated to the plot and story the sex scenes are, the more he seems to enjoy them. Needless to say, he also laughs at them.

Everything is great between us, but I'm a little concerned that there is something twisted or weird about my boyfriend. As I said, he is absolutely normal, sweet and gentle, but I have to wonder. What do you think, herr Doctor?

-- Confused

Dear Confused,

I think you're a very lucky woman. Your boyfriend sounds like Dr. Lovemonkey's kind of guy. I'll bet he gets big laughs when he tunes in the news or C-Span to watch public officials engaging in double-talk (also known as "lying through their teeth").

Attitude is so important, and your boyfriend seems to have a very healthy attitude about what passes for culture on our little jumping bean sphere. He reminds me of a good friend who, when he was younger, just loved the Marx Brothers, but never "got" the Three Stooges. The older he got (and this guy was an outstanding academic who earned a couple of post-graduate degrees), the more he enjoyed the Three Stooges. He still loved the Marx Brothers, but found himself loosening up and truly enjoying the moronic side of life.

I agree that there are people with a predilection for violence and uncontrolled rage, who can be negatively impacted by violent and sordid entertainment. But I've also found that some of the gentlest people I know have a huge appetite for horror movies and books, and really enjoy the hell out of tasteless junk culture. One of Dr. Lovemonkey's long-time associates is just such a person. He actually writes horror novels and is a leading authority on comic books. If you're really lucky, your boyfriend's attitude will rub off a little on you, and you can enjoy Edward D. Wood festivals and the like into your senior years. Marry this guy.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Over a year ago, my wife and I moved into an apartment where, upstairs from us, live a perfectly nice couple in their late 30s. They've been married for 17 years, and we've seldom met such a happy couple. The problem is that they are constantly making love at all hours of the day and night. They just can't seem to get enough. And they are loud, especially the wife.

At first, we were a little irritated by all the noise emanating from the upstairs apartment. But then, after a while, I was finding myself turned on by the activity. My wife and I are now making love more frequently than we have in a long time. We talked about this and she still feels a bit guilty about the voyeuristic nature of our newly ignited passions. While everything seems to be going better for us in the sex department, she frets about this and is wondering if she should bring the noise issue to our neighbors' attention. I say, leave well enough alone. What's your take on this?

-- J.W.

Dear J.W.,

I'm with you on this one. Some couples rent porn videos, others use what are euphemistically called "marital aids," and others can get worked up over repeated viewings of Casablanca. All of this is just fine with Dr. Lovemonkey. Whatever inspires couples to inspire passion in their relationship, as long as it doesn't inflict harm, is a good thing. Your wife is probably experiencing the pangs of Calvinist guilt that are inflicted by a culture that all too frequently causes us to question the things that bring us pleasure.

An active and enjoyable sexual relationship in marriage is one of the greatest things in the world. If your upstairs neighbors are the inspiration for this, more power to them and more power to you. I wouldn't say that your wife's feelings of guilt are irrational, but they have been inculcated in her by the anti-pleasure, self-righteous crowd that continues to hold sway in our society.

Since you both seem to be enjoying yourselves, hopefully her misgivings will ebb and she'll embrace the good thing you've got. Keep making love and be grateful that you've got such terrific neighbors.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've got a really big dick, and girls all seem to be afraid of me because of it. This is putting a severe cramp in my social life. How can I meet girls who really like guys with big dicks?

-- Mr. Big Dick

Dear Mr. Big Dick,

They're out there, I swear to you. Maybe you should consider approaching women with the tactful and subtle line, "Hey, I've got a really big dick . . . what do you think of that?" Meanwhile, Dr. Lovemonkey will place a black cloth on his head and fret for the next 48 hours about your dilemma, and the unfortunate condition of your social life.

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