by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years and we still have a really good sex life, but here is my problem. He likes to watch porn, which doesn't bother me, but what DOES bother me is that when we watch porn together, I feel that I'm just there to "assist" him, so he doesn't have to "assist" himself, if you know what I mean. I have no desire whatsoever to watch porn with him, because it bothers me that he's sitting there, getting excited by what he's seeing on television, and then just wants me to please him while he continues to watch television. I have expressed this to him, but he doesn't really seem to care. I've told him several times that I don't care if he watches it while he's alone. Am I being unreasonable? It makes me feel like some kind of "machine."

-- Plastic Blowup Girl

Dear Plastic Blowup Girl,

No, you're not being unreasonable. When two people are in an intimate, committed relationship, their sexual life should be pleasing to both partners. If he won't turn off the television once the two of you get heated up, tell him that you don't want to watch porn with him. Since you say that you "still have a really good sex life" together, I assume he knows the difference between intimate contact that truly involves both of you and the selfish gratification that he's engaged in when he's in the thrall of porn films.

This is, of course, one of the dangers of using porn as a sexual aid. The people watching must have the facility to switch from voyeur mode to participant mode, in which they are fully engaged with their partner. It seems that your boyfriend doesn't possess this ability, so the rule should be that sexual activity will commence only when the television is off. Of course, you also have the option of purchasing him a plastic blowup doll, and suggesting that he use it instead of you. I understand that there are some rather high quality ones on the market these days. Check with the person he's renting his porno from for information on where to get the blowup doll.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

By chance, I met a beautiful woman a couple of months ago at the supermarket. I had run into a friend of mine who happened to live next door to this woman. We talked for quite some time in the market and she told me that she was interested in learning more about computers (she had recently purchased one). It just so happens that I work with computers as part of my job, and we made a tentative date for me to come over and show her some stuff.

Naturally, I was interested in more than giving her lessons on her computer. When the day finally arrived, she called me a few hours before we were to meet and canceled, but discussed maybe rescheduling. I didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks, and so I took it upon myself to call and suggest that we get together. She was vague about setting a date, so I suggested meeting for coffee and she agreed to do so.

Once again, just before we were going to meet, she called and canceled. I suggested another date, and we did eventually get together for coffee. She was very nice and I found myself even more attracted to her. Unfortunately, I feel that I was a little aloof and stiff when we finally got together. I don't think that I was at all myself and I don't feel like we really connected in the way I anticipated. At that point, we set another time to get together with the computer and, you guessed it, she canceled out.

What I'm wondering about is, am I wasting my time with this or should I continue to pursue it? I've been pretty laid back about this whole thing. I don't think I've tipped my hand too much about how interested in her I am. What's the deal?

-- Computer Nerd

Dear Computer Nerd,

As they say in New Jersey -- and too many movies to mention -- "fuhgettaboutit." In this instance Dr. Lovemonkey means to literally forget about it. When a woman calls and cancels a first or second date, you can generally infer that she's not too interested. When she does it repeatedly, it is a clear sign that she's not interested. Now, of course, you want to hear me say that she may change her mind and all of a sudden take you up on your computer lessons offer. This might actually happen, but I wouldn't bet on it.

Obviously, her approaching you is the only way that anything might develop so, for goodness sake, don't call her again. I must also tell you that I wouldn't bet on her suddenly taking a romantic interest in you . It might still happen, but my guess is that the chances are about a kabillion to one. So just forget about her and go about your business. There are all sorts of women (and men) out there who need help with their computer skills, and maybe you'll bump into someone sometime and there will be a two-way spark. This wasn't the case here.

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