by Rudy Cheeks

Doctor Lovemonkey sends his best wishes to Seth in Little Compton, who, we understand, reads this column faithfully. All you really need in life, Seth, is to read Dr. Lovemonkey and learn how to cheat at on-line bingo.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A couple of months ago, I was hired by a church to be the "sexton" there. That's church-talk for janitor or custodian. Anyway, my basic duties have to do with washing and waxing floors; putting up and taking down chairs in the area where they have coffee after the services; and picking up and straightening up stuff. I like the minister and the people in the church who I have met, but I have one little problem.

They have this really great pipe organ in the church. Every week when I go in there to clean up, an overwhelming desire to sit down and play the pipe organ comes over me. I don't feel that I know the minister well enough to ask him permission. I wonder if you think it's okay for me to play the organ, or should I ask for permission? I think I know what you're going to say, but, to me, it seems pretty harmless. By the way, the main reason I'm reluctant to ask permission is that I'm afraid they'll think it's out of line, and I really want to keep this job.

-- Ernie B.

Dear Ernie B,

Thanks, Ernie. Dr. Lovemonkey can always use a little break from the usual questions having to do with romance in the 21st century. In this case, we are talking etiquette and, of course, you should ask for permission. If you broach the subject properly, I don't think there would be any negative repercussions. The way to approach is to inquire whether it would be possible for you to play the organ for a short while after you've finished your work.

If you're successful in getting permission, it would be wise on your part not to start by blasting "96 Tears," the main riff of "In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida" or anything that Ray Manzarek may have played for the Doors. It could be quite upsetting to the 70-year-old women of the Altar Guild to come in for altar arrangements on a Saturday afternoon to find you there, flailing away at keyboard arrangements of Pearl Jam's greatest hits at an ear-splitting volume.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I met a woman almost a year ago. At the time, she was living with her college sweetheart. They had been together for over three years. What I didn't know then was that they were not getting on too well. After a while, we became more and more friendly, and it was becoming obvious to both of us that we were falling in love. But we didn't do anything about it. She told me that she was intending to break up with her boyfriend, but was waiting until the end of their lease, so that she could make a clean break. I told her to do what was best and to be honest with him.

Well, she did eventually break up with him. He moved away and we got together and everything was greater for about four or five months. Then, like almost out of nowhere, she told me she was planning on moving back in with him in an apartment where he was living, about 50 miles away. I kept asking her why, but she only told me that she knew it was me she cared about, and she had to do this for "closure" or something.

I know that her family and this ex- (current?) boyfriend's family are close, and that it was very traumatic and difficult for all of them when they split up. But what am I supposed to do? Wait? For the past few months we have communicated by mail. It is very intimate, but she still can't explain why she's doing this. I don't get it. I really love her and, although I'm not angry, I'm very frustrated.

-- Going Crazy

Dear Going Crazy,

I'm not sure if she consciously understands what she's doing either. In essence, though, she can't let go of her last relationship, and therefore is not committed to her relationship with you. You have to walk away. Regardless of what she's telling you, she cannot be keeping the flame for you while finishing up with someone else. You can hang in there, and she might even come back to you when she's found "closure." But, believe me, in the end it will come to no good, you will be hurt and, most likely, she will do even more damage to herself. Pry yourself away and start healing as soon as possible.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I suspected that my boyfriend was cheating on me for a long time, and just last week I finally caught him. We've been together a long time, and I really do care for him. I believe that I'm able to forgive him and we can work it out, but he insists on retaining a friendship with the woman he was cheating with. He tells me that he still has a friendship with her, and that he intends to keep on seeing her socially (you know, coffee, lunch, etc). I can't believe this, but he is arguing that it's normal and that I'm not being reasonable. What gives?

-- Irate

Dear Irate,

He gives -- he either gives up seeing her socially or you walk. Actually, you should walk anyway. He's been lying to you for who knows how long, and now he doesn't even care enough for your feelings to break it off! He is, in the words of presidential candidate George Dubya Bush, "a major league asshole." Tell him to go and never darken your towels again.

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