by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I impulsively got married at the age of 20 to my very best friend. The marriage was like a dream come true for the first six months or so. During that time, I thought a person couldn't possibly be as happy as I was. Then, slowly, I began to become aware of everything I'd given up to get married. I dropped out of college and quit doing some of my normal activities and hobbies, so I could commit more time to my husband.

My husband is not blind to my unhappiness. He knows that I feel very confined, but he doesn't feel the same way that I do. He is very happy being married and just living his life with me. He is a wonderful person for whom I have the utmost respect.

The only problem is that, after three years of marriage, I'm really not in love with him any more. What's more, I have met someone who I care about on a different, more mature level. He's someone who shares my interests and goals. I do not, and would never, cheat on my husband. I would also be very reluctant to leave him, because I believe wedding vows are sacred, no matter what happens.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I have to decide whether to betray him by leaving, or to betray myself by leading a life of dishonesty and unhappiness. I am 23 years old and the rest of my life is a long, long time. We don't have any children. Can you give me a word of advice?

-- Cheetara

Dear Cheetara,

You and your husband sound like perfect candidates for marriage counseling. Since your husband is aware of your unhappiness, I'd assume his desire would be to address the issue. He may appear very happy, but if he's the wonderful person you describe, he must feel some pain and stress from your unhappiness, even if he isn't outwardly demonstrative.

My advice is this: discuss with your husband the depths of your unhappiness. Find a good therapist, and start going to counseling together. Stop seeing this other person in your life and concentrate on trying to reclaim the happiness in your marriage. It's not so unusual that someone in a marriage starts feeling confined and unhappy, and starts losing affection for their spouse. This has happened to many people and quite a few have been successful in reclaiming love that seemed lost.

If you have a strong foundation (and your letter indicates that you do), you can change things. The idea is to plan. Maybe you'd like to go back to college or get involved in some of the activities that you enjoyed prior to getting married. Why shouldn't that be possible within the context of your marriage?

Having a qualified outside party to mediate these things can be extremely helpful. Since your focus should be on reclaiming your marriage and your happiness, you must not entertain thoughts of involvement with the other person you have met. It will only confuse matters more for you. Even though you have not "cheated" on your husband, you have been unfaithful in an emotional sense by allowing yourself to fall for someone else. None of this is irretrievable.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am engaged to a great guy whom I have been with (living together) for two years. Our relationship is great, but one matter consistently causes me to become upset. My fiancee easily makes friendly acquaintances through the various places he has worked or socialized -- much more easily than I do, since I tend to be reserved. He has started, within this past year, to want to go out with his newly made pals.

While the idea of this is fine and normal to me, I end up feeling kind of abandoned and hurt. To top things off, he'll sometimes dress up to hang with these guys, whereas if I want to get dressy, I have to suggest it. Also, my fiancee is frequently drunk when he comes home from these outings. Once, I had to break into our bathroom and pick him up off the floor.

We've talked about this a bit, and he feels that it's fine and normal for him to have friends and want to go out with them. I agree, but I can't help the feelings I have. Part of me feels like I'm way overreacting, but part of me also feels like he's not being wholly considerate toward my feelings here. What can I do?

-- Confused

Dear Confused,

Your feelings are not illegitimate. If you've told him that you frequently find yourself feeling left out and abandoned, he should be concerned and maybe consider curtailing his social life a little bit. Since he knows that this irritates you, he should be willing to keep his evenings getting faced with the boys to a prescribed number a month.

Explain to him that you're engaged to be married, and that his primary focus should be on your impending partnership and marriage. Certainly, it's a valid thing to "go out with the boys" or "go out with the girls" now and then. But when it gets to the point that it's irritating your partner, it's time to negotiate some sort of reasonable schedule.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---