Introducing Dr. Lovemonkey

by Rudy Cheeks

I've always felt that one thing missing from the Phoenix was a good advice column. Of course, we could always run Ann Landers but a) she is already in a number of papers around here, and b) what kind of advice can somebody with a hairdo like that give to anyone younger than 60? That's where my new Dr. Lovemonkey column, debuting this week, comes in.

You might ask what makes me qualified to spew advice to the reading public. I'll admit I'm not really a doctor, but, hey, neither was Marcus Welby. And look how well he made out.

Throughout his seven seasons on ABC, he supposedly got hundreds of cards and letters from fans asking him to perform surgery on them. I guess that didn't know that Robert Young was battling a severe alcoholism problem at the time. Luckily, he never consented to take up the scalpel in the throes of an alcoholic stupor.

The question is, would you rather have me advise you on solving an unpleasant dilemma, or would you rather have Marcus Welby remove your gallbladder? Put that way, the answer is obvious, I think. So send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a male friend who stares at my breasts a couple of times during our conversations. I don't have big boobs and this is what kills me. This makes me feel uncomfortable. I would like to stare at his package to make him get the hint, but I don't want to convey any other message but the one intended . . . "please stop staring."

-- Gina

You are right to question the "staring at his package" strategy, as this likely would backfire. You want to let him know that what he is doing is rude and makes you feel uncomfortable. You don't want him to think that blatantly gazing at another's private parts is standard, acceptable behavior.

Since subtlety does not seem to be your friend's strong suit, there is probably no casual way to eliminate the problem. Dr. Lovemonkey, of course, believes in the direct approach, i.e., dramatically pulling up your blouse and bellowing, "Hey, take a good gander at these hogans!" or possibly, "Are you talking to me or to them?"

Needless to say, this solution is not for everyone, but I guarantee it'll leave no doubt about your feelings. It also might cure him of his unfortunate habit with others as well. By the way, the fact that you don't have big boobs kills me, too.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My wife of seven years has recently developed a fascination with serial murderers. She has all the biographies -- Richard Speck, Ted Bundy, etc. She even has Famous Serial Murderers of History trading cards. Frankly, all of this is giving me the willies.

Should I discourage this activity or accept her "hobby" as part of an egalitarian relationship? After all, she puts up with my "dancing feet" all night.

-- Concerned

Nothing to be worried about, except possibly your "dancing feet" -- a reference Dr. Lovemonkey is unfamiliar with. Reading about serial killers or collecting trading cards is like reading Sherlock Holmes mysteries or delighting in the violent and quite politically-incorrect antics of vintage Daffy Duck or Bugs Bunny.

Of course, if your wife also has taken to roving the country in a VW bug in search of hitchhikers or hiding under beds in nurses' residences, then I would say a problem exists. Dr. Lovemonkey also has a set of serial killer cards, and my only criticism is that the illustrations are not entirely up to snuff. Personally, I find this much healthier than the Super Bowl.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

What do you do when your sister's co-worker tries to fix you up with her son, who, she believes, is the best thing since sliced bread and to whom you are not at all attracted? Without making up some outrageous lie (i.e., "I'm gay, I have only three months to live," "I've decided to join the nunnery"), what should I do. Remember, she works with my sister.

-- Help!

Actually, being gay and joining the nunnery do not seem like outrageous ideas to Doctor Lovemonkey. But since neither describe your true desires, you are right to not want to give a false impression. I assume your sister understands how you feel and is not in league with the Love Connection gang, so perhaps you could get her to explain to her co-worker that you just don't feel comfortable being "fixed up." Let it be known that in the messy world of romance, you prefer to do your own dirty work.

It may be a little irritating for a while, but if you continue to not show any interest in Sliced Bread Boy, Matchmaking Mom should get the hint. Of course, you could always purchase a pack of those serial killer cards and start showing them around your sister's office.

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Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

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