Introducing Dr. Lovemonkey

by Rudy Cheeks

I've always felt that one thing missing from the Phoenix was a good advice column. Of course, we could always run Ann Landers but a) she is already in a number of papers around here, and b) what kind of advice can somebody with a hairdo like that give to anyone younger than 60? That's where my new Dr. Lovemonkey column, debuting this week, comes in.

You might ask what makes me qualified to spew advice to the reading public. I'll admit I'm not really a doctor, but, hey, neither was Marcus Welby. And look how well he made out.

Throughout his seven seasons on ABC, he supposedly got hundreds of cards and letters from fans asking him to perform surgery on them. I guess that didn't know that Robert Young was battling a severe alcoholism problem at the time. Luckily, he never consented to take up the scalpel in the throes of an alcoholic stupor.

The question is, would you rather have me advise you on solving an unpleasant dilemma, or would you rather have Marcus Welby remove your gallbladder? Put that way, the answer is obvious, I think. So send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a friend who's having an ongoing relationship with someone via the Internet. This has been going on now for almost a year, but they both seem reluctant to meet. (She's in Rhode Island; he's in Virginia.)

My friend asks me all the time if she should hook up with this guy. I don't know what to tell her. Do you think they're wasting their time?

Concerned

Ahh, virtual romance. It's a real '90s topic. Of course they're wasting their time, but so what! Computer networking is a lot like television in that while we could easily use TV as an educational and informational tool (what with C-Span, the Discovery Channel, CNN, PBS, the History Channel), most of us prefer to kick back with a bowl of Cheetos and a few bottles of hoo-ha and zone out to Frasier.

In the case of the Internet, it's like having a library in your home, but the vast majority of computer network users seem engaged in either heated discussions about the identity of the three tramps in Dealey Plaza in Dallas, downloading Danish porn, or pitching cyber-woo.

If your friend is intrigued enough to spring for bus fare from Rhode Island to Virginia, by all means tell her to go. But also remind her that there's nothing wrong with the fantasy. The long and short of it is that it's a blind date with a pen pal -- your basic crapshoot. Hey, at least these two are improving their typing skills.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm 35, and for seven years I have been dating a great woman (30) who is about ready to give me the boot if I don't propose. Problem is, I want to travel to foreign lands and drink in strange bars -- she wants to cuddle in front of E.R.

I'd feel shitty losing her, but she just doesn't quicken my pulse like some others I've loved and lost. Should I go with a sure thing or put all my money on black?

E. Hemingway

And then there's always the old shotgun in Idaho, E. But seriously, Dr. Lovemonkey is of the belief that not everyone is cut out for marriage. In fact, far too many people marry and have children before they realize this.

The tone of your letter suggests that lifelong commitment is not for you. Hopefully, you've shared some of these wanderlust feelings with your girlfriend. If you haven't, you'd better sit down and have a long talk. You owe it to her.

After seven years, she probably has a pretty good take on your desires already. Sounds to me like you're half out the door. If a quickened pulse is of more value than a steady one, I would suspect that you're not the marryin' kind.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

For the past few months I've been having some really good sex with a relative by marriage. Did I mention how good the sex was? It's just . . . so very, very dirty. But I digress.

Even though we're both single, a relationship is out of the question. She's starting to get close. I'd like to excuse myself from the table, but my mouth is still full of forbidden fruit.

Tabooed

Congratulations on having lots of good, dirty sex. So what's the problem? If you're telling Dr. Lovemonkey that you fear you'll blow (did I just mention blow? It's so very, very dirty) this fortuitous deal by telling your sex partner that you're merely interested in exercising your one-eyed trouser snake, then that's the way it goes. If you're interested in sustaining this situation through deception, you might want to try the Penthouse Forum. Deception will always lead to an unpleasant end. You're excused from the table.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A number of years ago I fell in love with a handsome, charming, polygamous sociopath. Not wanting to let go of the thimbleful of truth and beauty between us, I moronically held on for too many moons. Eventually his haremic bent wore my misguided tether thin.

Here is my quandary: for the four years we have now been apart, I have received a barrage of phone calls from the Mormon Man. Some of the calls have involved emotional blackmail, most have preyed on the past, and all have been annoying. Four years and no silence in sight.

I have tried a variety of approaches to end this onslaught of phone calls, everything from gentle understanding to anger and contempt. I am now involved with a wonderful man, which makes these calls even more unwanted. Changing my phone number is not a viable option. Any thoughts on how to keep this slime from dialing?

Ruefully, TMG.

Many years ago in the recent troglodyte past and during the reign of Dr. John Waynemonkey, the common prescription for such behavior was for Mr. Wonderful to pay a visit to Mormon Man, dog dirty and loaded for bear. But while this seemed to work quite neatly in old movies, in reality violence tends to beget violence.

If I remember my introductory college course in psychology correctly, your former boyfriend sounds like a classic narcissist. He obviously should have gotten the message by now, but he refuses to believe that you're still not interested. Sad to say, threatening to bring in the law if he persists in calling you is your most reliable option.

If you want to get creative, you can always tape the phone calls and play them back for his family and friends, but my guess is that the "shame" approach would have little impact on this creep. We are not dealing with "reasonable" behavior here. Therefore, I don't see a "reasonable" solution. Any readers with suggestions for TMG are invited to respond.

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