Dr. Lovemonkey

by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a very progressive thinking woman with long hair who is thinking of cutting it short again. The only problem is, I notice that with long hair, I get hit on more by men than I do with short hair. I feel guilty thinking about it in this way, but I am single. What do you suggest?

Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Let me see if I've got this straight: you enjoy and want to continue "getting hit on by men," but you feel guilty about it even though you are a "progressive woman." Dr. Lovemonkey does not feel that there is anything to feel guilty about. People like to receive "validation from others," as they say in the world of social science, and being hit on is but one of the signs of validation, providing some people with a certain measure of confidence and that warm, warm feeling.

On the other hand, some people take "being hit on" as a low-level form of sexual harassment. As Professor Longhair (whose formal educational credentials were as bogus as mine) used to say, "There's a lot of confusement out there."

If you're still worried about cutting your hair, you may find the Cecil B. DeMille sword-and-sandal classic Samson and Delilah (1949) instructive. As I recall, despite the fact that Victor Mature had his locks shorn in the film, he still looked like the hunky Victor Mature, heartthrob of many women and quite a few men, both hetero and homo. (Victor did, after all, have a larger bosom than any of the women in the film). Of course, it is also true that Victor lost his strength and was crushed to death by a falling building.

I'm telling you this story for no particular reason except possibly because I'm one of those guys who really likes Victor Mature.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

One of my roommates is seeing two guys, and both are in the dark about the existence of the other. The problem for me is that one often calls while the other is in the apartment. I never know what to do, and I am sick of lying for her.

Andrea

Dear Andrea,

By all rights, it's your roommate who should be doing the lying and not leaving it up to you. After all, she's already got a good head start. I assume the lie you are often asked to deliver has to do with denying that your roommate is present in the apartment when the other guy calls. If you haven't shared your discomfort with your roommate about this situation, do so immediately.

If roomie shrugs this off, tell her that someone recently dropped a safe on your head, making you pathologically unable to tell lies. If your medical prognosis spoils roomie's fun, tell roomie to answer the phone herself from now on.

I don't mean to get into too heavy a Dr. ToughLovemonkey posture here, but it is definitely serious rudeness if your roommate knows you're uncomfortable. It's her situation, and she should deal with it and not force you to be an unwilling co-conspirator.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

What's the alternative to "I'll give you a call sometime" at the end of a dreadful date?

H.L.D.

Dear H.L.D.,

The problem with the dreadful date is that it is generally only dreadful for one of the parties. If this weren't the case, the whole thing would be quite simple -- "Well, this didn't work out," for instance, or "You're a nice kid, but I'm allergic to goats."

Dr. Lovemonkey first heard that last line in the seventh grade and has been waiting a few decades to use it. I promise never to do so again, but it's my column, and there are instances in which I must be indulged.

Anyway, you want to avoid hurting another's feelings without signaling something false. A big mistake would be to try and finesse the whole thing in a clearly bogus way.

For instance, unless the date was a total moron, he or she wouldn't buy something like "Gee, I had a fabulous time, it's just that I never want to see you again because I know that we can never replicate this amazing experience."

This is what "growing up" is all about, H.L.D. -- learning how to be honest and kind when the two seem miles apart. If at all possible, though, it's best to say nothing at all, unless, of course, your date is the person who wrote the following letter.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I find most people quite boring. Is it me, or is it the truth?

Tim

Dear Tim,

It's the truth -- most people are quite boring. On the other hand, you and your letter, Tim, are merely tedious. Congratulations!

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have never been attracted to Asian men. Is it unusual to feel cold to an entire ethnicity?

Libby

Dear Libby,

Is it unusual to be largely ignored by an entire gender? You may have noticed that all the letters this week came from people of the female persuasion. But Dr. Lovemonkey's not complaining, just curious.

I can't say that it is "unusual" not to be attracted to Asian men, but from Dr. Lovemonkey's perspective, it is sad. When you've had limited experiences with a certain identifiable group of people, there is a tendency to see them as "others." In this case, you can't seem to get past a person's Asian features to get to the individual.

There is a flip side to this, where people are attracted to the exotic nature of "the other" -- someone, in other words, who is only attracted to Asian men because they are Asian men.

While there's a lot of this going around, it saddens me only because it seems to Dr. Lovemonkey that the best stuff only occurs when you can relate as a unique individual and when race or ethnicity is just one ingredient, not the prime attraction or distraction.

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