Dr. Lovemonkey

by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was recently at a wedding where it became obvious to me that there was something going on between two members of the wedding party. And it seemed to be more than blatant flirtation: the pair were spending lots of time talking intimately, dancing really close, and at one point I caught them making out in a corner. I know they weren't old pals, and the part that upsets me the most is that this bridesmaid is married and has a couple of young kids. What's more, every time her husband (who was not in the wedding party) materialized, she and the other guy quickly cut off the monkey business. I just wonder if I should blow the whistle on this. What's your advice?

Beth L.

Dear Beth L.,

This certainly sounds like what Dr. Lovemonkey calls "inappropriate behavior." However, unless you are quite friendly with the married bridesmaid and her husband (and it sounds like you're not), it is pretty much none of your business.

My experience has been that people who flagrantly ignore, flout, or otherwise trample on the bonds of affection that we assume to be part of a marriage or a good relationship will eventually be found out by their partner. In this case, sooner or later (and from what I can glean from this little scenario, it sounds like sooner) hubby will see that something is amiss, and hopefully, he and his wife will confront whatever that is together.

Some of you reading this may think I am being very judgmental. I am. I believe that is my gig here. Granted, our wedding eyewitness did not at any time see our perps engaged in making the beast with two backs, and the bridesmaid and her husband may have what is called an "open marriage." Still, the behavior, as reported, certainly has all the earmarks of a breach of trust. And the most critical point of all, of course, is that there are kids involved.

That said, my advice is still "keep it to yourself." People have always and will always engage in foolish and destructive behavior, and there are few times when you can help in a positive way. You're not the person, and this isn't one of those times.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm going out with a woman that gets pissed off a lot. When she does, she likes to throw dishes around. We're thinking about moving in together, but I'm not so sure because of her temper. Any suggestions?

Don

Dear Don,

Two things: 1) when eating in, always eat at her place and 2) duck.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend is a vegetarian. He not only doesn't eat meat, but he doesn't touch fowl either. This year, we're probably going to my parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner. They're pretty conservative, and I don't think they'll understand the vegetarian thing at all. Is there some way I can deal with this without upsetting my parents?

Caryl

Dear Caryl,

Get rid of that boyfriend and find a real man, a meat-eatin' one who smokes unfiltered Camels and drinks cheap Scotch. Then show up at your parents' place on Thanksgiving -- you, wearing your underwear on the outside and your boyfriend in a jockstrap and turban. Make sure you're both carrying unlicensed firearms and are high on souped-up marijuana cigarettes before you get there. Then call me up and tell me how it went.

Pardon me, Caryl. I was just dreaming there, but it was such a pleasant dream that I didn't want to awaken from it. Seriously, you're describing Mesozoic, not "conservative," parents. By now, they've probably read about vegetarianism in the Reader's Digest, and they may have even heard about the health benefits of a well-balanced vegetarian diet. Also, the standard American Thanksgiving table has plenty o' vegetables and other fine foods for the discriminating herbivore.

Seems to me that the meatless lifestyle has become pretty mainstream in recent years, and you should have no problem broaching this subject with your parents. If they still have a big problem with your boyfriend's being a vegetarian, tell them they'd have more fun acquiring some real problems than conjuring up phony issues.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

It seems to me that every guy is obsessed with the size of his penis. Is this true or not?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Obviously you are a woman because if you were a man, you would know the answer. Of course it's true -- all men are obsessed with their private parts.

I believe that this mass insecurity emanates from the fact that adult males (the heteros, anyway) rarely bathe together. Therefore, they walk around thinking that their units are too small.

Let Dr. Lovemonkey take away all that gnawing hetero insecurity, fellas. Yes, you all have undersized, insufficiently heroic blee-blees, but if you invest in the one and only "Dr. Lovemonkey's Heroic Blee-Blee Stretcher," you'll be hung like a common criminal within hours (and so will Dr. Lovemonkey). You also will be in constant, agonizing pain, but as all of us men know, it's a small price to pay.

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