by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been spending a lot of time with a guy I used to live with. We broke up about three years ago, and for the past six months, we've been spending some time with each other. We are both currently in a relationship with others. My "significant other" thinks that my maintaining a relationship with my ex-boyfriend is just fine, but his girlfriend seems to think that I'm trying to lure him back. It isn't true. Also, a lot of our friends think that our rekindled friendship is weird. Do you think that there's anything wrong?

Elsie

Dear Elsie,

Yeah, there's something wrong with your choice of friends. Actually, that's too harsh, but I couldn't resist using that line. It sounds so definitive, and since life rarely is, I enjoy so much the opportunity to blurt out something so black-and-white. But with the exception of your ex's girlfriend, your friends who think that friendship with an old boyfriend or girlfriend is "weird" are the ones who are wrong.

Friendship is the foundation of intimate relationships. And although I don't know what the level of friendship was with your ex during your intimate relationship, I do know that it is completely possible to have a good and enduring friendship with your former partner without a return to intimacy.

What's more, since you both say that you understand that and you both seem happy in an intimate relationship with someone else, I don't see what the problem is -- other than that your friends are too conspiracy-minded, possibly having spent too many hours reading bad romance novels (featuring that shirtless Scandinavian fellow on the cover, I'd bet).

There is, however, a problem if your ex's girlfriend feels threatened. You should make an effort to become friendly with her if you can. She obviously needs reassurance, and if she doesn't get over it, your ex will be in a very uncomfortable position. While jealousy and insecurity are not among the finest of human emotions, they are real, and dealing with them takes time and support.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been corresponding with a man who is incarcerated at the state prison. I would like to continue, but his letters have taken a turn toward the erotic. I feel so badly about this guy's situation, yet I don't want to get involved in a way that would imply I'm romantically interested. What should I do?

June

Dear June,

I'm assuming that this is not someone you knew before he was in prison and that your relationship is generally that of "pen pal" (a designation with a double meaning in your case). I'd say that the only way for you to continue corresponding with this person is if you write and explain that you have no romantic interest and that that is an area where you and he will not go. Period.

This person might have many good qualities, but the fact remains that the vast majority of people in prison tend to have bad qualities in greater abundance. Also, prisons are not set up to give people who are trying to strengthen what's best in them -- or challenge and combat what's worst in them -- a realistic chance of success.

Punishment and dehumanization are what prisons are about. If someone comes out less damaged and less dangerous than when he or she entered, it's a miracle. And there is this -- when one is in an extreme situation like confinement or incarceration, one's fantasies only naturally become enhanced and much more powerful than those of people in more conventional circumstances. In other words, the possibility that someone in prison will have a completely different and distorted understanding of the nature of a relationship via correspondence is highly likely.

So, June, while I don't know anything about your correspondent, I do know of other well-meaning people who have found themselves in harm's way. You probably should talk to someone who is more familiar with both prisons and psychology than Dr. Lovemonkey. This is an area containing substantial risk and requires specific knowledge and understanding.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was watching a television talk show where they were discussing penile implants the other day. It's not that I have such a small dick, but I'd really like to have it be really big. I guess that this is costly and dangerous and painful. But I'm up for it. What do you think?

Mark

Dear Mark,

What do I think about what, Mark? That you have spent valuable time watching television talk shows? I think that's not surprising and that, at the same time, the people behind the television shows have, in your case, been quite successful in reaching their target audience. I say this because if I'm not mistaken, a vast number of ads for psychic hotlines, dubious quasi-medical products, and CDs featuring compilations inevitably containing "Spirit In the Sky" by Norman Greenbaum, appear regularly on these programs.

That you'd like to have a really big dick? This also is not surprising. That you are "up for" something that will cost you a lot of money, maybe cause you pain, and conceivably create future medical problems, all for the purpose of having a bigger dick? The phrase "Think softly but carry a big dick" comes to mind when I think of you, Mark.

It would be my strongest suggestion to you that you get the biggest dick that the doctor has available. If you're lucky, you will be able to reach it all the way around and sit on it. Even if this does not attract work for you in the world of the regional carnival, an environment that would seem to be your natural home, it should prove to be personally satisfying.

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