by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My wife and I have been together for almost seven years (married the last three), and we just got our first computer. In less than a week, we both had cyber sex with people and got a kick out of it.

Two weeks ago, I was sending my wife something via e-mail, and I got kicked off-line. When I went to sign on again, using her screen name to make sure that she got the letter, I saw letters from another man. When I read the letters, I found out that in less than a week, she had already called the guy at home, and he was calling her at work. It made me mad, because she tells me not to call her there, or she'll get in trouble.

I didn't say anything to her, because I thought it would be silly to start a fight over "computer love." Then she changed her password and would not give it to me. When she finally did, I looked at her mail and found out she was having a long-distance love affair with this guy.

He knew real personal shit about me and my kids, and my wife even sent him a picture of herself through the mail (US Postal Service, not e-mail) and used her mother's address as the return address. The stuff she wrote to this guy is stuff she has not said to me in years. When I told her to call the guy and tell him it is over, she wouldn't.

She says it's over, but it still bugs me. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not this insecure. But the fact that they are hundreds of miles away from each other is, I think, the only reason they never met in person. Any advice you have will help me. I love my wife, but I don't know what to do.

V. L.

Dear V.L.

You've got problems in your marriage, and the computer is not to blame. Actually, it's probably a blessing for both of you, because at least your communication and intimacy problems are somewhat out in the open now.

When people embark on a serious relationship or marriage, there are shared intimacies and information meant for just for the two of you. Neither of you should take this bond lightly. It's just as essential and (dare I say) sacred as sharing your physical self with another.

The fact that your wife is sharing intimate thoughts and facts of her life with someone she hardly knows does not necessarily mean that she takes it lightly. Still, it clearly indicates that something is seriously missing in your relationship. It is important that you talk about it and that you both examine how you communicate and share your life with each other. If you find it difficult to open up about the incident, I would highly recommend professional counseling.

The whole world of cyber sex and computer-generated relationships is merely the latest techno-challenge to relationships, in much the same way that television became a techno-challenge to family and community. It adds convenience.

Dr. Lovemonkey believes that the conveniences we have wrought with the explosion of new technologies are both amazing and frightening. One need not give up exploring the marvels of the cyber world, but discipline needs to be asserted if there are weaknesses or problems in a relationship, as there apparently are in your case.

If your wife seeks out shared intimacies that should remain within the private reserve of your marriage, it really doesn't matter if she does so in the office, at a bar, or over the Internet. The problem is not with the computer. You've got to deal with this now, and if that does not work, get another person involved -- someone you trust and respect or, as I said before, a professional counselor.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend has a big dog, a German shepherd, and I think that he hates me. Maybe he's jealous. I don't know, but every time I go over there he growls and I feel very uncomfortable. She says that he's just getting to know me better, but it's been six months since we've been together, and he still snarls and barks at me. When we're having sex, we have to lock him in another room, and he still barks a lot. She's not going to get rid of him. What can I do?

Ben

Dear Ben,

I don't doubt that Fido is jealous. Talk it over with the dog, and if things don't work out, the three of you should go to a professional counselor and . . . whoops, that's the wrong letter. Excuse me.

The fact is, Ben, that Fido was there first. One thing you could do is steal some lumber from a construction site and build a crude edifice in your girlfriend's backyard. Then you and your girlfriend could go and have sex in this new structure. Call it your "Love Shack." It could get pricey, however, if you insist on installing cable TV.

There is also the old burglar trick of feeding the dog a raw, poisoned steak. You could sneak into the house with the meat and then say to your girlfriend (with mock surprise and horror), "Look honey. Fido's eating a poison steak!" Of course, that would be morally wrong (and illegal as well), so don't do this.

I'm just checking to see how far you'd go. Another suggestion would be to get an even bigger dog of your own and to bring him over to scare her dog. This worked exceedingly well in an old Tex Avery cartoon I once saw on TV. You also could get a female dog and try to fix them up. Introduce them over the Internet first, to break the ice.

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