by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was looking at my phone bill the other day and noticed that over $100 in calls were charged to a 900 number that I did not dial. Upon further investigation, I discovered that the calls were all made to "sex chat lines." After a long discussion with my boyfriend, he admitted that he had made the calls. I don't know what to do about this. He's basically a good guy.

Norma

Dear Norma,

Hmm, basically a good guy who likes to talk dirty on the phone. It is not unusual for someone to call a sex chat line or the ever-popular psychic hotline as a novelty. But I would suggest that over $100 in charges qualifies as more than a novelty.

First of all, make sure that he pays for the calls. People should always pay for their long-distance or toll calls whenever using someone else's phone. This is standard etiquette. Next, I would ask him how committed he is to talking dirty on the phone.

Maybe you could arrange for him to call you and talk dirty. At the very least, this would cut down on the phone bill. On the other hand, I suspect that your primary consideration in this matter is not one of fiscal prudence. It is also my suspicion that your boyfriend probably only wants to talk dirty to complete strangers.

You have to ask yourself whether you believe that you can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone who feels a need to discuss carnal desires with total strangers, which, let's face it, is a lot better than his going on about such things with friends, neighbors, work associates, and family members and risking a sexual-harassment suit.

It would seem that your boyfriend's sexual maturity is a bit on the adolescent side, which is not too alarming if he is 14 years old. Assuming that he's not, you might want to spend your time with someone who acts his age.

Of course, not everyone wants a healthy and fulfilling relationship. You have to decide whether you are one of those people.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going out with this great woman for a couple of years now, and I recently discovered that she'd had a lot of boyfriends before me. I mean, a whole lot. These would probably go under the heading of one- or two-night stands.

We are pretty tight, and I know that I'm not cheating on her, and I'm positive that she's not running around behind my back. Still, I'm very leery about her past now. Am I being overly judgmental?

Tucker

Dear Tucker,

Yes, you are being overly judgmental. If what you say about your relationship is true, then what you are talking about is in the past. Everyone has a past, and if they are smart, they learn from it.

How many one-night stands have you had? Are they a part of your past that you have been eager to discuss with your girlfriend? If the answer to the first question is "some," I'll bet that your answer to the second is "not really."

Lots of people have "experimented sexually," just like a lot of people have smoked pot, snorted cocaine, and drunk too much. A whole lot of them have been able to get beyond such behaviors, figuring out that these things don't make them happy.

Not everyone is so fortunate, but it sounds like your girlfriend has decided that having an exclusive relationship with one person (you) is a greater source of happiness than having a succession of casual encounters. And you have come to the same realization. This is good.

I don't even want to get into the gender double standards that afflict so many men vis-a-vis "It's okay for me to `sow my wild oats,' but if my girlfriend ever . . . " If this troubles you, get it out of your system. Likewise, get those things that happened in the past out of your system.

I certainly did a lot of stuff years ago that, to my way of thinking, no longer defines the person I am now. I dare say that the same is true of you and your girlfriend. Be happy that this is a good thing and don't obsess about your past or your girlfriend's if it has little to do with your present.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend is very noisy when we are making love. I am not and I find it distracting and have difficulty concentrating. I've actually tried to get noisy myself, but I find that it rings false and that it is even more distracting to be attempting to do something that does not come naturally. I'm reluctant to bring this up to her, but I'm afraid that my lack of concentration will show through eventually and that she may think that I've lost some interest. What should I do?

Leo

Dear Leo,

I would discuss this with her so that at least she'll know that the problem is with you and not with her. Also (and Dr. Lovemonkey is keeping his fingers crossed here), talking about your problem may relieve some of your anxiety about her audible enjoyment. At the same time, work on your concentration.

Dr. Lovemonkey wants to believe that if two people really love each other, they can get past such stylistic differences. But the fact is that this type of stuff has been known to cause big difficulties for people. Still, Dr. Lovemonkey has hope.

A good starting point would be for you, Leo, to think about how much pleasure you must give her if your sexual performance brings on such a fervent reaction. Try to think of it as really good music. Consider bringing an instrument, such as a recorder, to bed with you. Not only could you provide accompaniment, but because of the shape and size of a recorder, you could . . . hey, never mind that.

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