by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm a married, 44-year-old woman having an affair with a married man, my boss. After a year of working for him, we started getting closer. He wanted a happily married woman just for sex. He thought I was, but I'm not. He claims to be very happy at home. He has a son whom he loves so much, and he has never led me on about leaving for me.

I'm hooked bad on him. He's a good-looking, kind, caring man, which is what attracted me. I've been faithful for 18 years. He's very passionate about things in life. I love to go to work to talk and be with him. He makes love to me and I see stars. I can't give it up. My heart is breaking. I thought I could handle it. Sometimes our personalities clash, and we fight like kids. I feel like a teenager in love. It hurts!

I have no children with my husband, but I've got a bunch of problems -- sexual, health, and out of work with no money coming in. I'm under a lot of stress. I need this job. I'm miserable.

Thanks for listening. I know what you're going to say.

Confused

Dear Confused,

I'm sorry you're so anguished, but this heartsickness is of your own making. "He wanted a happily married woman just for sex." This sentence reveals two horrible flaws.

First, happily married women (or men) do not engage in adultery. That's not to say that happily married people may not be tempted from time to time. Still, if you take your marriage vows seriously, the boundaries are set and you work things out with your spouse. Through good times and bad, in sickness and in health -- this is what marriage is about.

Your boss is not "happily married" either, and despite the fact that he may dote on his son, he is obviously lying to and cheating on his wife. Seems to be a few holes in his "kind" and "caring" exterior.

Second and of value to you as you try to put your life back together, there is no such thing as "just sex" if you are a human being with feelings and a conscience. Even a lusty fling between two unattached people has emotional implications. And within the context of marriage, "just sex" contains elements of betrayal. The fact that you and your boss have both betrayed another person -- your spouse -- is a heavy burden indeed.

If you wish to remain married, you have a lot of work to do. If your marriage is irretrievably broken, then end it. You'll have to figure that one out. Dr. Lovemonkey is someone who believes that marriage, even without children, is a sacred trust that should be taken seriously.

It's sort of like going to a house of worship regularly when you are not a believer. You either believe or are struggling with your belief. If you don't believe or aren't struggling, you are merely a hypocrite going through the empty motions.

Likewise, you either believe in your marriage or struggle to make it work. If you've given up, then the marriage is a sham. Continuing this way will only cause you and your spouse more suffering.

This may all sound harsh to you, but the fact is that you've made a big mistake and you suffer because of it. The only way to get on with your life is to find out what is true and to act on it. If the only way to keep your job is to continue this half-assed relationship with your boss, you'd better start looking for a new job. It's the only way you'll relieve your misery and start making sense of your life.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Since you are an expert in all areas of love in its various forms, I have a question of the highest importance. It seems that I have been turning my male friends gay. One, in fact, recently ripped out of the closet after we needed a place to store our coats.

The problem is that my fiancee seems to need a stick to beat our male friends off -- of me. I'm certainly perplexed by the situation, since I feel I'm strange enough to turn females gay. I only hope this is what happened to my former girlfriend, as to save the human race from some horrifying genetic disaster.

My problem is doubled as well, as my fiancee is a theatrical person with theatrical friends and theatrically gay males. (Wow, just spit those stereotypes out today. Hoooah!) Short of disfigurement, what can be done to stop these pretty, pretty boys that she calls friends from going after me? I would have thought the collar with my girlfriend holding the leash would have been enough, but . . . .

And don't even get me started on the bi-sexual ones who want the both of us! Oy.

Desperately seeking safety,
Simba

Dear Simba,

f you have a dictionary handy, check out the word "narcissism."

It must be comforting to know that you are so irresistible to men. The notion that anyone, because of their unparalleled beauty, is "turning" straight people gay (or gay people straight, for that matter) sounds like a great movie plot, but Dr. Lovemonkey has seen no evidence of such occurrences in real life.

You and your fiancee will just have to live with the reality that you are the most extraordinarily attractive person ever to exist. Personally, I would start looking into some of the marriage laws in various states and other countries. Is it possible for someone to marry himself? Gee, I don't know, but you would seem a great test case.

In the meantime, the fact that lots of people (be they gay, straight, bi, whatever) appear to be "coming on" to you and your fiancee shouldn't pose such a huge problem. You'll learn to live with all this attention, poor boy. Maybe you should consider hiring a security detail to rough up those who dare come within 20 feet of your radiant self. You might want to check with Brad Pitt on this.

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