by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have what I once thought was a rather unusual situation, but I'm starting to think it may be a bit more common. I inadvertently dated a gay woman for five years. (I am male.)

It started out innocently enough -- we had fun, etc., etc. But as the years went on, her intrigue with a lesbian lifestyle grew into an obsession. She began to live what I considered to be a lesbian lifestyle, with one obvious exception: me.

She began to do things which, in and of themselves, do not define a person as gay, but you have to look at the big picture: her friends (who are all gay), social life, activist activities (pride marches, etc.), favorite music all would make one "think" she was gay. This began to grate on me until one day, after an affair she had with a woman, I gave up and left.

Every time I'd confronted her with the issue, she'd simply said, "I am doing [these things] to support my gay friends." She'd adamantly denied that she was gay. But a friend told me that she told him she was gay, period.

Now, after being away from each other for more than six months, she says she was "confused" and wants me back. I truly love her, but cannot continue to be confused about her sexuality. What do you think? Was I just incredibly naive? Are there truly bisexual people in your opinion? I cannot think of a motive for her deception, except, possibly, that she is from a family that would absolutely not accept her as gay. Am I (was I) just a facade?

Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

While definitive information on sexual orientation is in short supply, the current best guess seems to be that genetic, environmental, and cultural elements all play a role in how one's sexual desires develop.

The vast majority of gay men and lesbians I know have told me that ever since their first inklings of sexual desire, they have known that there is a same-sex orientation. There are people who are bisexual, and while I have no idea what "truly bisexual," "truly heterosexual," or "truly homosexual" might mean, I do think that for all practical purposes, whether or not your friend is bi, lesbian, straight, or experimenting with a lesbian cultural stance is, in many respects, beside the point.

Unless there have been some abrupt changes, your friend's social milieu is lesbo-world, a place where you do not feel comfortable. (It "grates" on you.) If you lived in a Mr. Man, Super Bowl-watchin', beef-jerky-eatin', country-music-listenin' world and this made your friend uncomfortable, it would be the same problem -- a lack of compatibility.

She may or may not be confused by her sexuality. She may or may not be telling you the truth. The real problem here is that these issues and your fears and suspicions are not going to go away. That means that the "trust factor" is missing, and nothing can work without that essential component.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I believe that my boyfriend still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend. He won't admit it, but I am certain that this is the case. Most of the time things are fine between us, but there are occasions when I sense that he is distant, and I think that's because he hasn't been able to fully erase his old feelings.

How can I accelerate the process of closure with this past relationship? Although it's not a giant obstacle, I still feel it's a little dark shadow.

Irritated

Dear Irritated,

Dr. Lovemonkey does not believe that there is such a thing as "closure," at least without benefit of an ice pick lobotomy. When I hear the families of murder victims express the belief that only strapping the perpetrator to Ole' Sparky will bring about "closure" for them, I wonder what they are talking about. I assume they heard the phrase on television.

No matter how one feels about capital punishment, I don't understand how any act (retribution, justice, whatever you wish to call it) can diminish the pain and suffering the loss of a loved one engenders. It is the same with former loves.

When one experiences a broken heart, he or she is wounded. In time, the wound will grow into a scar. If you constantly pick at the wound, it takes that much longer for it to heal and form a scar. And while scars are not painful, they are there and visible to you, and you will remember. How you deal with those memories will determine a great deal.

Some want to hide from them. Some can recall them with a grace informed by wisdom, knowing that everybody's got 'em, whether they acknowledge them or not. The notion of "closure" implies that the facts and experiences of our lives all lend themselves to a tidy denouement. This is what happens when the esthetics of series television replace the esthetics of actual life -- we start to demand "closure."

It could be that you and your boyfriend started your relationship before the wounds had sufficiently healed, or maybe it's that he continues to pick at them. Time will tell. But believe me, there is no closure, just a mature acceptance of the disfigurements of having lived and an attitude about them that helps one get on with things.

Tell him that you often feel that he is distant and that you're concerned. If he's still picking at this former relationship, suggest to him that "time's up" and that he ought to be concentrating on his present life. Managing the past better is his responsibility, but let him know that it impacts you, too.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---