by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

This is tough for me, and I really don't have a clue as to what I'm seeking. I'm in my mid-twenties and fairly attractive (I guess), but I've made many mistakes, most of which are probably due to to my extreme insecurity. I've never been in a relationship with a woman (I'm a heterosexual male) beyond friendship. This includes dating, one-night stands, etc.

This is distressing due to the fact that, besides being alone, it seems to be constantly thrown in my face. It's tough to watch TV when the issue is sex, love, or relationships and the characters are the same age or younger than me. And music isn't any better. Can you imagine how it feels to watch a show where a teenager is talking about their sexual relationship and you can't relate one bit at age 25? It hurts.

My first question is, How can I conquer my insecurity? I know what it's like to be lonely, I want to know what it's like not to be.

My second problem is that, in college, I had a crush on a girl. Like a fool, I never asked her out. The last time I saw her was over a year ago, and I can't get her out of my head. I know it's not healthy, but I wish I could go back and fix my mistake. Now we are in different states. How can I move forward and not dwell on her and what I should have done in the past?

Mayday in West Warwick

Dear Mayday,

Your primary challenges are attitudinal. Most people have insecurities of some kind, and "being insecure" is kinda like "coming from a dysfunctional family." Basically, just about everyone qualifies.

Nor will you magically grow up one day and watch your insecurities disappear. It's not so much that it's comforting to know that everyone else is insecure, but it is instructive to understand that the reason why some people don't appear to have insecurities is because they have come up with successful techniques to face their insecurities. And, after all, the more you face your insecurities, the less power they have over you.

My suspicion is that you're getting your cultural cues and ideas about what real life is like from the decidedly unreal worlds of television, movies, popular music, etc. Dr. Lovemonkey was fortunate to have grown up in an era when television wasn't ubiquitous and shows such as Beverly Hills 90210 had yet to emerge from the fetid cerebrums of the Aaron Spellings of the world.

Might I have believed that there was something wrong with me because at age 22, I had yet to make the beast-with-two-backs with Jenny Garth? I would hope not. Remember that, for all intents and purposes, television is a freak show. It has little to do with reality.

And I'm not just talking about fictional programs here but news shows and, especially, the talk shows -- Maury, Montell, Ricki, Sally, Jerry, etc. As the Wizard of Oz said, "Pay no attention to the man behind that screen."

Pursue the things that you believe are important and that interest you and try to do them in contexts in which you can meet other people. Pursue friendships, because from this framework, healthy intimate relationships can arise.

This is what you really want, I believe. Indeed, that you are a virgin also means that you haven't done anything really stupid yet, and that is good.

One other piece of advice: Dr. Lovemonkey is older and wiser and knows that when one is overly anxious to get involved in a relationship, there are a couple of likely outcomes.

One is that women, who tend to be more tuned in to humans than their male counterparts, will quickly pick up on your desperation and back off. That's if you are lucky. If you're not, someone more desperate than you will be drawn in by your pheromonal spew, and you two will hook up, with predictably disastrous results. Yes, you know what loneliness is like, Mayday, but sometimes the alternatives (like being tortured by a foaming-at-the-mouth lunatic) can be worse.

As far as the college crush, forget about the fact that you never asked her out and stop replaying what you believe you should have done. Just fuhgettaboutit. I don't know how to tell you to do that, but the regret you still feel is obviously freezing you from getting on with things.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A friend of mine is trying to set some kind of record for having slept with the most girls. I keep warning him to wear protection, but I'm not sure that he is heeding my very serious advice. Is there anything else I can do?

Richie

Dear Richie,

Yeah, get some new friends. This is what is known as promiscuity, and beyond being dangerous healthwise, it is seriously boneheaded in a number of ways.

I wouldn't suppose that your friend is in any way lying to, exploiting, or abusing the trust of these women he's poking. What? You say he is? Richie, if you want to hang around with clowns, there's this circus college down in Florida. At least the clowns who come out of there are trained to earn an honest living.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I think your advice is full of crap. You seem to think that everything is so full of "responsibility" and "meaning" that you forget to have fun. Loosen up, you tightass.

Mr. Casual

Dear Mr. Casual,

Pardon me, you're right. Most of the problems in today's world stem from the fact that people act overly responsible and have too much meaning in their lives and just haven't learned to be frivolous and insensitive enough. Please forgive me and let me borrow your works so I can mainline this bag of heroin into my frontal lobe and take a load off.

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