by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a little problem that perhaps you can help me with. Although I consider myself a mature 42-year-old woman, I've developed quite a school-girl crush on a local personality not unlike yourself. His charming demeanor and rapier wit have completely bowled me over.

True, I am currently sans relationship, but I have an otherwise active and amusing life with many friends and interests and a job I love. I'm not only uncomfortable with the fact that I have a crush on someone at this age, but I am unsure if I should try to act on my feelings.

I've never set my sights on a living legend before and am not quite sure of the protocol. He appears frequently around town, and I suppose I could introduce myself. Still, I know so little about him personally other than what I read in a Rhode Island Monthly interview last year. I know he's unmarried -- but is he unattached? And why should I assume that he'd be interested in me? Any suggestions?

Crushed

Dear Crushed,

You could, of course, stalk this guy like crazy until he finally relents, but, in the immortal words of Richard Milhous Nixon, "That would be wrong." It's illegal, insane, and doesn't work. I just thought I'd run that by you because, well, I'm insane and hardly work myself.

Having a crush on someone at age 42 is not such a terrible thing. At least it indicates that you still have a pulse. It is also helpful to take the attitude that this person could be interested in you because, well, you are a swell person.

The fact that you don't actually know him at all is where it becomes questionable. What you do know is this guy's "celebrity image," and you find it pleasing. While this might seem not a whole lot different from seeing someone across a crowded floor at a party and finding him or her attractive, this person's image might be severely refracted by his celebrityhood.

Because you have been thinking about this guy through the distortion of that celebrityhood, you have probably made some assumptions about his personality and character that may, in fact, not be true. This also may cause a bit of discomfort for the "icon" in question.

You see, when you do meet someone across the crowded floor, as it were, there is no baggage involved. Assumptions are generally few, and you start with a relatively clean slate.

Since this is Rhode Island, where everybody knows everybody else or at least knows someone who knows somebody, wangling some sort of personal introduction should be easy. The problem will be that you already have certain notions about this person and that, as I said, they may not be entirely accurate. In your own mind, you should attempt to wipe out those assumptions first.

After this, it will not be impossible to become friendly with this person and get to know them a little. Then you would actually have some basis for your feelings.

Prepare to be disappointed, however, since celebrities tend to be real people with real problems and since there are sides to them that are, for professional reasons, not revealed to the public. They are in the business of exposing only their brightest and most charismatic selves, and the reality is always a little murkier.

Unless you are a sociopathic stalker (and, if so, do not write to me again), there is no problem here as long as you realize that all you have experienced so far is the bright shiny package. Who knows what lurks within? Erase all expectations. As long as you are aware of all this, there should be no great harm in approaching this person.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm bringing my girlfriend home to meet the folks during the holidays. They live a considerable distance away, and although my girlfriend and I have been living together for some time now, I'm sure that my parents would frown on our sharing a bed together while staying at their house.

To me, staying in separate rooms is kind of hypocritical since we already live together. But I'm afraid this could cause unpleasantness when we arrive at the family homestead. Should I stick to my guns or let my parents run my life even though I'm in my 30s?

Confused at Christmas

Dear Confused at Christmas,

Accede to your parents wishes. You're guests in their home, so if you already know that they don't want you sleeping together, don't even try. This has nothing to do with hypocrisy, it has to do with your parents' values, which you should honor while you're staying in their home -- whether you live by them or not.

If you simply can't stand a night apart, get a hotel room.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going out with someone who is really a great person, but he looks like John Tesh, that guy who used to be on Entertainment Tonight and is now some sort of musician. Other people have commented on this, and it is really starting to bother me. He has even grown a little beard, just like Tesh. Is it fair that I insist that he subject himself to a makeover?

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

I am not one who readily believes in rumors, so I give no credence to the one that suggests that John Tesh is the Antichrist. Nonetheless, I feel that you must make immediate plans to kill yourself.

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