by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I recently moved to the East Coast from the West Coast and discovered that the cold weather in this region seems to carry over to the social scene. Don't get me wrong -- I love Providence. But it was much easier to meet women and date in Los Angeles. In LA, I found that people were less parochial and more willing to have a conversation with someone they just met.

Do you have any advice on how a guy can cope in an environment that is more reserved than I am used to? Also, are there activities, events, places (beyond the Phoenix Personals) where people are open to meeting new people?

I hope you can help me. I like the city, I like the people, but it is a very challenging social climate. Thanks for your help,

Lost in Providence

Dear Lost in Providence,

How kind you are to describe the chilly reception you have received as "reserved." See, that`s your problem. The key to getting along in the "dating scene" (or whatever you want to call it) in the Biggest Little is something Dr. Lovemonkey likes to call "open hostility."

The operative phrase or pickup line here would be, "What the fuck you lookin' at?" Nobody cares about which sign of the zodiac you were born under or what your blood type is. We here in Rhode Island have a blunt charm that is often misunderstood.

For example, you'll know that you are striking up a meaningful and possibly rewarding conversation when the reply is "Hey, whassa matta which chooz?" Sure, the local mating rituals seem a little cold and insensitive to the Vo Dilun arriviste, but you still must master the local social skills in order to "score."

Allow me to give another example -- any sophistication about food comes in handy only if you are looking for love in the smallest of circles. While it is a well-known fact that we have many marvelous restaurants around here, we also have one of the highest doughnut-retail-stores-per-customer ratios in the world. This important fact should not be ignored.

Once, while on one of my many anthropological journeys to a local singles watering hole, Dr. Lovemonkey came upon a young Vo Dilun native, resplendent in his gold chains and late '70s disco apparel, holding forth at the bar. A couple of young ladies sat nearby, discussing the relative merits of corn chips versus pretzels, when our hero struck up a conversation about the glories of Chinese food. He said, "I love that spicy Saskatchewan food."

The women were charmed by this faux sophistication and, despite the fact that they later settled on calamari, the larger point is that our boy scored.

Sure, the relationship was short-lived due to our protagonist`s being apprehended later that week on an outstanding warrant (Dr. Lovemonkey does like to do follow-ups on his field studies), but the fact is that for a brief and shining moment, his dating technique worked like a charm.

Not to be ignored is another requirement: if you wish to broaden your appeal, you should cultivate a loud and ignorant manner. In fact, revealing too much knowledge of any specific subject matter is a "turnoff" here in the Biggest Little.

Let's say you strike up a conversation about movies you have seen recently. It is of no value to point out that the director`s editing technique created a certain mood or that you really loved that lingering crane shot. It is far more effective to say, "Hey, that Sharon Stone has a great butt." (Note that the butt in question belongs to Sharon Stone and not Emma Thompson. That's because the vast majority of local women probably will be unfamiliar with Thompson's butt.)

This could lead to a stimulating discussion about the quality of Brad Pitt's butt, a subject that local women may be eager to weigh in on. Seeing your opening, you will now have the opportunity to unveil an incredible lie and claim that just a few months back, you had breakfast with Pitt at a House of Pancakes while he was in Warwick for the filming of Meet Joe Black. (Of course, you must pronounce the city "Wahk" so that the ladies will realize you know your way around town.)

Although the women you are trying to impress will immediately realize that this is an outlandish lie (you were actually in a House of Pancakes where one of the waitstaff claimed to have seen Brad Pitt), they will appreciate the fact that you are willing to go to such grotesque lengths to fool them into believing that you are somehow "connected" in Hollywood.

Formulating incredible lies is inherently charming. But even if you don`t wish to get into a deep discussion about movies (i.e., Brad Pitt's buttocks), you could always create a bit of mystery about yourself by loudly announcing within earshot of every woman in the room that you are in the final research and development phase of creating robots made of cheese -- robots that are capable of providing all of one's hair-care needs.

This startling revelation, while patently untrue, will instantly make you the center of attention -- and not just because of your alleged genius in cheese electronics. Rhode Island women are equally interested in hair.

Finding love in Rhode Island is a strange and challenging task, Lost in Providence, but I feel that if one sticks closely to the counsel of Dr. Lovemonkey, these obstacles can be overcome.

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