by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been seeing my girlfriend for four months now, and we made love for the first time a few weeks ago. She just turned 17, and I just turned 18. It was her first time having sex and everything went pretty well. The problem is this: Every time we've tried to have sex since then, she has put on this very childish act and playfully pushed me away or tried to wrestle her way out of it.

At first, I didn't think anything of this because I thought she was just playing hard to get and making the situation more interesting. A couple of times we ended up making love, but she usually stopped me halfway through and said that she was not in the mood anymore. After a while, I got annoyed at this game and was frustrated because I didn't know what I was doing wrong.

About two days ago, we were getting intimate again and, after the usual scenario, I told her that I wanted to make love. She smiled and said, "Too bad, I'd rather tease you." I got my things together and started going for the door. She thought I was kidding and asked if I was really mad.

I told her that these games were bullshit and that if she couldn't handle the idea of a mature relationship and lovemaking, then maybe we had a big communication gap. After all, she was the one who mentioned the idea of making love in the first place, convincing me she was really ready.

At this point, everything came out. With tears in her eyes, she told me that her mother had verbally abused her for years, labeling her as a "rebel" and the "slut" of the family (in front of her younger siblings!). She comes from a very traditional Asian family and just because she doesn't follow some of the family's values and outrageous rules that have been laid out for her, her mother puts her down and lays this guilt trip on her.

After many years of this harsh treatment, she fears getting intimate, because her mother's voice always haunts her. She tells me she wants to make love, but when she thinks of this dilemma with her mom, it hurts her too much to go all the way. If my girlfriend's mother knew how much her comments hurt her daughter, she would stop. But my girlfriend won't bring it up with her.

What can I do? What should she do? I'm so helpless here.

Needing Advice

Dear Needing Advice,

You're not going to like my advice. You say that you're 18 and that your girlfriend just turned 17? Neither of you is old enough or mature enough to go "all the way." With time, your girlfriend will be mature enough to put her mother's verbal abuse into context, and, with time, you'll both be mature enough to deal with having sexual intercourse.

It is clear to Dr. Lovemonkey that that time is not now, so work at controlling your raging hormones and indulge in your passions in other ways. Your girlfriend is torn between trying to please you and realizing (which she does not want to acknowledge) that she is not ready for this level of intimacy, though she craves it.

If you really care about her and wish for your relationship to grow and improve, don't put her in the position of saying no. Take it easy. If things work out, there will be plenty of time for better, truly ennobling sex -- later.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm a professional man in my 50s and my wife is in her 40s. I work out three times a week and am in excellent health . . . and don't look my age.

My wife has gone through significant changes and has no interest in me. This includes affection, sex, spending any time with me. She isn't interested in going away together or even going out to dinner once a month. Her life is our 8- and 12-year-olds and her passion is tennis. She's a nationally competitive player.

She says I should just "do whatever I need to do." Fine, except I will not disturb our family. The question is, How do I find a woman (age 35 to 55) who would like a relationship under these conditions?

I believe there are thousands of women in this area whose husbands have no interest in them anymore. But how do I reach them? That's the "Catch-22."

Rich

Dear Rich,

Your marriage is presently in breakdown mode, and you seem well aware of it. As a result, I would find it hard to believe that your 8- and 12-year-old children are not aware as well that something is wrong with their parents' relationship. And, probably, they are already somewhat disturbed by it, even if they haven't voiced this to you or exhibited any behavioral problems. Believe me, your marital difficulties will have a negative effect on your children.

You didn't tell me how you feel about your wife, but I would talk to her about whether she believes your marriage can be saved. If she thinks there is any chance at all, get counselling. If she has truly given up, then what you have is a marriage that will continue to do damage to your children, one way or another.

To my way of thinking, divorce and a mutually acceptable child custody arrangement are preferable to a sham marriage for both your children and the two of you.

Shared adultery is a "solution" that is likely to be full of lying, deceit, and any number of other demeaning and unpleasant consequences. It ain't a good idea. Save your marriage if you can, but if it is broken and can't be fixed, end it with the understanding that both you and your wife's main priority is the health and well-being of your kids.

Then, you'll at least have the opportunity to pursue relationships that can be honest and positive, the type of relationships that you would want your children to develop when they become adults. Think of your kids and the example you would like to leave for them.

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