by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend of six months and I used to have incredible communication. We used to have serious intellectual discussions on everything from Nietzsche and world politics to "us," life, etc. We both love humor and spend a lot of time joking around. I am 34 and he is 36.

But lately, after about five or 10 minutes, he has swung into "joking" mode even when I've been concerned about or interested in something. He starts making jokes (bad puns, for instance) until he derails the conversation.

I understand that there are correct times/places for "really" talking, and I always try to be in sync with that. It doesn't help, though, because now he does it all the time. It`s not like he just wants quiet time. He wants to gossip or talk about funny things only, and, frankly, I'm pretty tight-lipped about my friends' secrets or weaknesses -- aka "gossip" -- so I feel like I've failed as his personal entertainment committee.

I've talked to him about this, and he says that he's under severe stress at work (this is true) and is shutting down . . . doesn't want to think. Is this a realistic reaction or just a lie to disguise that I am a bore? I have less and less to say now, and I feel kind of stifled.

Should I just let it ride for a while at face value? If so, for how long? It is interesting to note that his last relationship broke up because of her lack of intelligence and conversational skills, interests, etc.

Starved for Conversation

Dear Starved for Conversation,

Communication is a two-way street, and judging from what you've told me, the traffic-flow problem is coming from his end. If this is a "meaningful relationship," then merely functioning as his "personal entertainment committee" chair is a pretty narrow parameter. Intimacy is the coin of the realm of romance, and your boyfriend sounds like he is impoverished.

I would also bet that the breakup of his last relationship (and I assume that you received the critique of that from your boyfriend and not from his ex) did not come about entirely because of his sudden discovery that his girlfriend was a dullard. If you feel like you have less and less to say now, imagine his last girlfriend (who may not have been as verbally skilled as you) and how she reacted when he "shut down" on her.

The guy's no good at intimacy and the question for you is, Do you want to take on the task of yanking him into the world of real communication, settle for continuing a relationship with someone who is emotionally stunted, or move on to the possibility of a relationship with someone else who is more able to engage in real give-and-take?

The inability to communicate tends to be more of a "guy" thing. It's not as if we troglodytes can't learn, but a guy has to be willing. The fact that your boyfriend can be quite charming when he wants to be cannot fill the hole that exists when a person is incapable or unwilling to connect.

Explain to him that shutting down on the person closest to him will only exacerbate the stress he feels from work. Sharing real thoughts and feelings with you will build a better and stronger relationship, one that could serve to alleviate some of his anxiety.

If this doesn't jar him out of his shell, I'd say that your relationship will remain in its current state, and my position is that "personal entertainment committee" chair should be a compensated job.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I happened upon your page while searching Yahoo for references to Victor Mature and was delighted by your remarks about him in your reply to "Hannah." I've been a fan since I saw Samson and Delilah as a child, and for the last several years I have been trying to locate his address to send a fan letter. Any advice you might be able to give me in this quest would be most appreciated. Thank you.

Sally

Dear Sally,

The fact that I also saw Samson and Delilah as a child does not necessarily mean that I am now in charge of the Victor Mature Correspondence Clearinghouse. Last week, I mentioned "robots made of cheese" and, thankfully, have not been contacted by lab rats from MIT or anyone from the Dairy Institute about my research in this area. (By the way, I have done no research in this area. I am merely a moron who enjoys speculation in uncharted territories. Now, I imagine, the official Moron people will be contacting me after a strenuous "moron" search on the Internet).

I regret to tell you that I can't help in your pursuit of Victor Mature's address. Possibly, you can glean this information from Charles Manson's Web page. Although my celebrity network is obviously limited (I do have Bo Diddley's home phone number, but I'll never tell), I do know that January 29 will mark Mr. Mature's 82nd birthday.

And I can give you an update on some of the other cast members of Paramount's most sumptuous Technicolor biblical epic of 1950. Seems that terminal ennui finally caught up with George Sanders in 1968, when he decided to cash in his chips while on holiday in Spain. Hedy Lamarr also passed on just a few years back, after a few unfortunate shoplifting episodes that, sadly, were related to an advanced case of Alzheimer's. And according to my contacts who watch television, Angela Lansbury has done quite well for herself and, in recent years, has turned into a rather skilled writer of mystery novels.

If you do manage to locate Victor Mature, Sally, I'd be interested to know whether he is familiar with the recent technological marvel known as the Wonderbra. Thanks for helping us all reminisce about Samson and Delilah.

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