by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

About six months ago, I met a man. Under the circumstances, I was unable to find out what this man was really like, even though he seemed wonderful. I really wanted to get to know more about him.

I can be devious when it comes to getting what I want sometimes, so I thought of a plan. I used the Internet to create a fictional persona from another city. We "met" in a chat room and talked for some time. Since then, we have talked several times and have gotten to know each other quite well.

I really enjoy talking to him and would like to be with him in person. Mission accomplished, right? Well, he recently told me on-line that he feels that we have connected in a way and that there is a certain level of trust between us. I know we would get along great if we were together, but the only way to let him know this is to reveal who I am and, inevitably, tell him that I lied.

I'm afraid that would ruin everything. I have to face this man every day, so if I make the wrong choice, I'm doomed to be reminded of it all the time (not to mention the complete awkwardness there would be between us). I'm afraid of ruining the relationship we have now, and I want to do whatever I can to avoid hurting him in any way. As it is, in person he acts not unfriendly toward me but not with any interest either.

From talking to him, I've learned things about him that he never would have told me had he known who I was. However, I have not shared these things with anyone else. Is this an invasion of his privacy, even though he freely told me everything?

Should I tell him whom he is really talking to, or would that just make everything horrible and awkward? I feel that he should know, but I can't take the risk of making him angry at me right now. Should I wait and tell him later or not tell him at all? I don't know what to do at this point. Please help if you can.

Confused and In Need of Help

Dear Confused,

It is probably of little solace to you to mention at this point that you should have heeded the words of the pre-Internet bard Sir Walter Scott when he noted (in his poem "Lochinvar"), "Oh, what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to deceive."

New technologies do not cancel out ancient rules of proper behavior. Rather than ponder the technical "invasion of privacy" question, you must come to terms with the real transgression here, which is the matter of your "deceit."

You have two choices -- continue the deceit or come clean now before more on-line intimacies are shared. Waiting for what you hope to be a more appropriate time for your confession is not only a non-decision but, in all likelihood, a plan that would tangle you up more deeply and make things even more difficult and painful.

The truth is that there is no way for you to do this without feeling discomfort. It seems that it caused you discomfort to approach this man in the first place, despite the fact that you see him every day, so you devised this plan to create a phony persona to spark up a conversation. In pursuing what I can only call a shortcut, you have discovered that there are no shortcuts to real intimacy. If, indeed, you wish to pursue a closer relationship with this man, you need to do it as a real (as opposed to an on-line) person. But that was always true.

Your tendency to avoid things has led you into an uncomfortable situation. It is possible that this guy will become angry with you. It is also possible that he may wish to end any relationship you now have. But these are the consequences of moving from deceit to honesty. The "certain level of trust" he feels right now is based on some things that are true and some things that aren't.

The best thing for you to do is tell this guy about your fake persona, apologize, and explain that however your relationship evolves from this point, you would at least like to have it based on openness and honesty. He may be interested, he may not. But at least you have learned (I hope) that nothing good comes from deceit and that there is no shortcut around emotional risk in any potential relationship.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I recently met someone on-line, and I think I've fallen in love. I know that he feels the same way. We're perfectly matched, yet we live over 800 miles away from each other. He is in Miami and I am in New Jersey. Neither one of us is willing to move right away, nor can we afford plane tickets. Is this strange or just another problem associated with the Information Age?

Lost in New Jersey

Dear Lost in New Jersey,

There is really nothing new about any of this. Years ago, it used to be called "pen pals." The only difference is that instead of a quill, Bic, or Underwood, we have these new, quicker gizmos hooked up to our phone lines.

What is interesting to me is that for many people, the new gizmos have convinced them that something more profound is going on here. In fact, something less profound is going on.

It's sort of like the difference between driving a car and walking. You have the same destination, but, in an automobile, you will get there much faster. This has the merit of saving lots of time. When you walk, however, you have the opportunity to observe a lot of things (nature, architecture, human and animal behaviors) that you'd otherwise miss in the car.

In writing on-line, there is the rush and immediacy of the moment, which has its merits. What is not there is a level of contemplation that can exist only with time.

In the old, letter-writing days, people had the time to craft language and grammar better and gave more thought to what they were saying. In my first experience on-line, I was presented as a celebrity interview subject for a magazine chat room, and I was quickly criticized by an early participant for "not posting fast enough."

I fully expect life to speed up even more in the future. But I will be one who continues to "post slow." You might consider train travel to meet your friend in Florida. Sad to say, it's not that much cheaper than air flight, but you might actually enjoy posting slow.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---