by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

When my boyfriend of a year gets mad, he disappears. He won't answer the phone, drops out of plans we have made, and generally leaves me feeling dissed. Any calls for rational communication from me are met with stony silence. I find his behavior insensitive, and, frankly, I'm starting to get a little sensitive about it. What's his damage?

-- Waiting to Talk

Dear Waiting to Talk,

This is something that Dr. Lovemonkey likes to call "immaturity." At some point, when everything is copacetic and you're not arguing, try and talk to your boyfriend about how upset you become when he refuses to engage in communication. If he goes into a snit about this, suggest counselling to talk about anger and conflict management.

It's going to take some kind of effort on his part to learn how to deal with this. If that doesn't work, then you'll be stuck with this type of behavior as a constantly recurring pattern. Because of the way we were raised and because of centuries of conditioning, guys are usually a lot slower at communication skills than women. But we can learn if we are willing to make the effort.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been chatting with a guy for just over a month. I met him, and he is really nice, but he is nine years older than I am. My parents don't know and my friends think that the age difference is a big deal. I don't know if I like him that much, but I do like him a bit. I am so confused!!! Please help me. I don't want to lead him on, but I don't want to cut off this relationship completely. Help, please.

-- Clara

Dear Clara,

The age difference is somewhat of a relative thing. For instance, if you are 35 and he is 44, then you both (supposedly) have been official "adults" for some time and the nine years is not necessarily a big deal. Sometimes, among adults, even larger age differences are perfectly okay.

But the key phrase here is "among adults." If you are 14 and he is 23, we are getting into serious Lolita turf here (not to mention the fact that the concept of "inappropriate" becomes further complicated by the element known as "illegal"). Since you didn't mention your ages in your letter, I don't have a full grasp of your situation. But suffice it to say that if you, Clara, are under 18, there is good reason to be cautious.

Although women tend to emotionally mature faster than men, but I would say that if you're not yet 18, heed your friends' advice and consider the age difference to be a big deal.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been following this Clinton sex scandal fairly closely and am interested in a statement that has been attributed to our president. Supposedly, he believes that the Bible indicates that oral sex between a married person and someone other than his or her spouse is not a form of adultery. Do you know where in the Bible this might appear? Does this sound like a reasonable concept?

-- Truth Seeker

Dear Truth Seeker,

Dr. Lovemonkey is not exactly a biblical scholar, but I do recall attending Sunday School when I was a wee lad and would like to offer my recollection that, in the popular song with the refrain, "this I know/For the Bible tells me so," there is no mention of distinguishing between various sexual acts. Possibly, we were singing the expurgated Anglican version, but my gut instinct tells me that if Clinton actually has offered such an opinion, he may be dangerously insane.

I am quite certain that neither the Bible nor any other religious text makes such distinctions. If you believe otherwise, then you also probably believe that when Jesus was brought before Pilate, he asked to be represented by Barry Scheck.

Infidelity in a relationship is not about sexual acts. It is about the betrayal or abuse of trust. In the case of marriage, this is considered a sacred trust. One need not engage in any sexual act to betray a trust, but certainly, if you are in a relationship that you hold as intimate and special, any sexual activities outside of that relationship (in Dr. Lovemonkey's view at least) would be wrong.

And here is where a very simple religious notion comes into play. It's the so-called Golden Rule -- "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Anything that might be said or done by your intimate partner that you would find hurtful is wrong. The whole idea of an intimate relationship is based on the notion that you are there for each other and will be protective of and caring for each other.

Do you think it would wash if, upon your boyfriend's catching you in the act of grabbing the crank of some Chippendale dancer, you explained that after consulting the Bible, you found no admonition to refrain? No, I think El Boyfriend would feel hurt, and incurring hurt on your partner to satisfy your own gratification is the problem.

The Bible can be (and has been) used to justify or explain everything from separating of the races to shunning women during menstruation to homophobia. Searching for ethical loopholes is like searching for legal loopholes. A healthy relationship is about enhancing each other's happiness, pleasure, and sense of well-being and seeking personal gratification through each other's gratification.

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