by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I cannot seem to hold on to a mate for any considerable length of time. The problem lies on my insisting that I sodomize all of my boyfriends with a strap-on, and they always break it off with me after I obsess over it for weeks.

The other thing is that I need a mate who is willing to crap on my face. Usually, only old men will cooperate with this.

One time I was having sex and started sticking safety pins through my body. That really freaked the guy out. Do you think I am just open-minded or should I reevaluate my current fixations?

Thank you.

-- Penelopeepee

Dear Penelopeepee,

You are very open-minded. As a matter of fact, your mind is so open that I can almost hear the wind blowing in the caverns of your cerebral cortex. Just the other day, as I was defecating on somebody's face, I was musing about the fact that far too many people in this uptight country of ours don't understand that there can be such a wide variety of expressions of affection and love.

My mate responded, while beating herself on the head with a two-by-four she keeps next to the boudoir door for just such intimate moments, that she also found it difficult to find serious lovers who could refrain from expressing surprise when she showed them her condom-encased Black & Decker sander.

"Reevaluating your current fixations" might be an option if, through long and serious thought, you've come to the conclusion that the erotic thrill of being sodomized by a "strap-on" or relieving yourself on someone's head is not exactly a "turn-on" for a large segment of the public, thus cutting down on the available supply of willing mates for a person such as yourself.

Of course, there are those who do consider this a "special moment," but Dr. Lovemonkey has the sneaking suspicion that we are talking about a distinct minority here.

You are probably right that only "old men" are interested in the "crap on my face" foreplay technique that you find so stimulating. From what I recall, a decade or so ago psycho-historians surmised that this was probably an activity an older man by the name of Adolph Hitler was equally interested in.

I would suggest that searching for someone with the pathological makeup of Mr. Hitler might not be in your best long-term interests. You might find a wider range of interested mates if you were to take up chess or bird-watching.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been involved for about a year with a guy who incessantly smokes pot. I don't do drugs and I don't think that he should either, but every time I bring it up with him, he tells me that it's no different than alcohol and that it relaxes him. I really don't want to break up with this guy, but I believe I will if he doesn't change his ways. Do you think that it's fair of me to be so judgmental about his little habit?

-- Brenda

Dear Brenda,

There is at least one difference between marijuana and alcohol that I know of, and that is that, under the current laws in this country, it's illegal. Certainly, there is an ongoing debate about whether a great deal of hypocrisy isn't involved in the fact that while alcohol is legal, pot is not. Still, this is all beside the point to the extent that your boyfriend's habit may put you in a certain amount of criminal jeopardy.

It is probably an unpopular attitude on my part, but I believe that being in an intimate relationships means being judgmental to a certain extent. A person chooses to build a relationship with another based on a lot of judgements, and these are primarily based on shared values and points of view. We also learn to tolerate or to live with those aspects of the other person that do not exactly charm us.

A decision on whether or not to break up with this guy has a lot to do with your own attitudes about smoking pot. If you think that it's a rather harmless diversion, then you should be able to work things out with a few ground rules. If, on the other hand, you believe that smoking pot is a very negative and harmful habit, you should tell your boyfriend that he needs to make a decision about what is more important to him -- his pot or his relationship with you.

You have to decide what is important to you just as he does. It sounds to me like, for you, this is an important thing . Therefore, I would not hesitate to present it to your boyfriend as such. Just be prepared to walk away.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm going out with a vegetarian and I believe that her diet is causing a flatulence problem. This is not really in the realm of public embarrassment, as most of the problem occurs while at home. What can I do about this?

-- Gasping for Air

Dear Gasping for Air,

Dr. Lovemonkey is not entirely sure of the relationship between vegetarianism and flatulence, although he has been privy to some anecdotal evidence. By the way, who's experiencing the flatulence, you or her?

Well, I guess that doesn't matter, but I will point out that most hardware stores have these little white masks that people use when they're painting or when they are Michael Jackson. Might be worth looking into.

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