by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a problem and need your opinion. About three months ago, I began a relationship with a childhood friend. I'm 19 now, and in the time we've spent together, she has been fairly indifferent compared to most of the other relationships I've been in. This is due to the fact that she is not quite as affectionate as other girls I have been with and she has this habit of closing down when she's feeling stress rather than just trusting my ability to console her.

I consider myself to be a very affectionate person and need to figure out a strategy to get her to show me more. I'm extremely confused and am about to go into the Navy. She tells me she can wait for me while I'm in, but I would like to straighten this out before I go. Could you help me?

-- David

Dear David,

It would seem to me that you are of different temperaments. Some people do find it hard to express affection, and shutting down when they feel under duress is part of that. But comparisons between the personality of your current girlfriend and others you have been with won't help. What's more, there aren't any "strategies" that I can suggest other than initiating discussion with your girlfriend and urging her to be more trusting and open to you.

What you need to ask yourself is whether you care enough about her to be patient as she tries to overcome her reticence. She may never be as fully affectionate as you would like, so if you care deeply about her and you believe she cares deeply about you, you may have to adjust your expectations. It could be that you two are not temperamentally suited for each another.

By the way, joining the Navy may not be the proper antidote to being extremely confused, but I must admit that this was one of the finest sentences I've run across in weeks.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Long ago, when I was a small person, I had a kid's affair with the girl next-door. This was the first time I had any physical contact with a female, and as I grew up, I retained a deep desire for this girl -- a desire I have nurtured all these years.

Now she has come to work for my company, and I want to make love to her. I have been fantasizing for all these years about what it would be like to make it with her again.

Our lives are so similar and we are both alone. Once I asked her about starting a relationship, and I tried to explain to her how I felt. She told me that she saw me as a relative and that she was not interested in having a relationship with me because she was not sexually attracted to me.

Now I am sure that she should not base a relationship on her sexual motives and feelings. She had a relationship before, and the guy treated her like crap for about eight years and then ran off and married another woman. I am thinking that time is running out for the both of us, as I am 48 and she is 49.

I would like to care for her, but she is one stubborn person. I feel like she programmed me to want her from the sessions we had as kids. Even though we knew little about sex, they were plenty strong on my emotions. To this day, I have a desire for her. What to do? Should I forget her or should I try different tactics?

-- Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

So you're sure that she "should not base a relationship on her sexual motives and feelings." Well, aren't you basing this hoped-for relationship on your sexual motives and feelings? Would you be willing to be talked into a relationship with someone that you are not sexually attracted to? Methinks not.

Sounds to me like you have some longstanding sexual obsession with this woman and that the feeling is not mutual. You might be able to apply some reality to your fantasy by striking up an actual friendship with her. Maybe she'll even warm to you.

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. At the same time, maybe you will find that, absent your sexual attachment, there is little else here to base a mature relationship on. Right now, you're still operating in the realm of sexual fantasy, which has little to do with the world of Meaningful, Mutual Relationship.

At age 48, you should know that trying to live out one of your long-held sexual dreams is not exactly a strong foundation for true intimacy. Has it not occurred to you that what you're talking about is a liaison rooted in sexual desire, the same type of sexual desire that you say should have little to do with her decision to be with you? In Dr. Lovemonkey's book, this can be found under the heading of "hypocrisy."

You may be an adult chronologically, but your reasoning smacks of the adolescent crush you continue to nurture. You might want to give some thought to joining the Navy.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a problem. I like this boy named Kris, and I don't know if I should ask him out. I don't even know what I should do. I don't even know if he likes me. Please e-mail me back.

-- ILuvCatzz

Dear ILuvCatzz,

Your missive appears to be a good working synopsis for the next single by teen sensations Hanson. But as fodder for Dr. Lovemonkey, it does come up a bit short in the "specifics" department. Besides, what would Catzz say? I do thank you for the letter, though, as it should indicate to some skeptical readers that I can't possibly be making up these questions.

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