by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm not sure what to do about this situation, and maybe you can help me. Twice now, I have seen one of my best friends with another woman. He is married, and I am also good friends with his wife. I always thought they had a really good relationship, but I could be reading the thing completely wrong.

One time, I saw him having dinner with a woman, and he seemed to be very friendly with her. Not that they were making out or holding hands or anything, but it just seemed so odd.

Another time, just a couple of weeks later, I saw him walking downtown and heading into a bar with another woman. They also seemed to be having a good time, very easygoing, etc. I can't say for sure, but it certainly looks to me like my friend is having an affair -- or affairs -- with other women.

My question is, Should I discuss, or even mention, this to his wife? I don't want to be nosy, but these are both friends of mine and I'd feel terrible if something were going on and she didn't know about it.

-- In a Quandary

Dear In a Quandary,

That's right -- you "can't say for sure." Maybe one (of both) of the women you saw was a sister or a cousin. Maybe they were business associates. Then again, there could be some hanky-panky, but you have no evidence of this.

If there is something else beyond your burgeoning imagination that leads you to believe that your friend is having extramarital affairs, then maybe you should approach him and tell him that you are nosy and curious about these women you've seen with him. I wouldn't suggest this, but if you continue to obsess about it, asking him would be the only appropriate course.

Dr. Lovemonkey himself has many friends, both male and female, with whom I have been known to dine, have a few drinks, or otherwise hang out. But this does not mean that I'm having any sort of an intimate sexual relationship with any of them.

I suspect there are a lot of people like me out there, and maybe your friend is one of them. If you are an employee of Star Magazine or the National Enquirer, it could be of some professional value for you to go ahead and circulate the incredibly shocking news that you saw two people dining together who were not husband and wife and then to make up some phony story about it. There is a large market for this.

However, if you are more interested in something that Dr. Lovemonkey likes to call "reality," here is what I think -- you know virtually nothing about these women or about their relationship with your friend. As a result, any discussion about this with his wife would be based on assumptions and belongs, in Dr. Lovemonkey's estimation, under the heading of useless and hurtful gossip.

It is Dr. Lovemonkey's belief that even if you were to see your friend "in flagrante" with someone else, you should only consider approaching him, not his spouse.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A little over a week ago, I met this guy. He slid a letter under the door of my room. He told me that he was gay and wanted to get to know me. At first, I thought it was a joke, but after a couple of days, he called me and I knew that it was for real. We really didn't say much then.

After a week went by, I called him. We got together the next day and talked for hours. I felt comfortable around him and totally at ease. We have gone out a few times and had intimate times together. Last week, he told me that he was falling for me, but then, about an hour later, he said that he was still getting over someone. What should I do?

-- David

Dear David,

Well, first off, one significant detail that you didn't mention to Dr. Lovemonkey -- one that may be of some value in assessing if I can help -- would be how you feel about him. Outside of being comfortable around this guy, are you interested in a serious relationship?

The other significant element here has to do with your friend's confession that he is still getting over another relationship. The fact that he was the one to initiate the relationship with you while still in a state of confusion about a past relationship is not a good omen. It doesn't mean that things won't work out, but until he is able to shake this past relationship, it's probably best for you to slow things down and not get too intimate at this time.

If you are really interested in him, then retain your friendship and just keep matters at somewhat of a distance. When one rushes into a relationship before a previous one has healed, both people have to deal with the wound and things get complicated. My suggestion is to just slow down. Keep some space between you two until your friend feels that his wounds have healed.

It is never a good idea to get involved with anyone unless you feel relatively free and clear of past relationships.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am in college and attracted to a guy I share a couple of classes with, but there are two problems: 1) I don't know his name and 2) My friends think I shouldn't waste my time because he seems to be kind of nerdy.

I had a class with him last semester, too. He seems a little shy, and I'm not that outgoing either. I don't know how to start a conversation with him in lecture (of all places).

My friends don't think he is hot enough to worry about, but I still do. Any advice?

-- Ello

Dear Ello,

Here are the solutions to your two problems: 1) Ask him his name (outside of the lecture hall). You could probably follow this up with something like, "I think you were in such-and-such a class with me last semester. What did you think of it?"

2) Ignore your friends, unless, of course, you are willing to go through life having them select your clothes, jobs, and significant others. I don't think so.

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