by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have had a problem all my life and now I have to see how the opposite sex feels about it. I am not circumcised and I feel that this prevents me from having any intimate relations with a girl. The last girlfriend I had, we got pretty serious, and I wanted her to know before the time came. So I told her and she dumped me.

I guess it's not really accepted by females today. I am 16 and have been told that circumcision really hurts and that I really shouldn't bother getting it done. I feel like an outsider and that the operation is necessary in order for me to have enough confidence to have sex. I have been nagging myself about this and have come up empty-handed. I haven't told my parents how I feel about this and it's kind of awkward to bring it up. What do you think?

-- The Shadow

Dear Shadow,

Dr. Lovemonkey has spent many years working in nightclubs and on the radio, and I must say that your use of key phrases, such as "coming up empty-handed" and "it's kind of awkward to bring it up," leads me to believe that you have an inherent knack for the always popular "dick joke." You could have a career in the ever-rewarding world of the morning drive-time disc jockey. Of course, this small bit of vocational advice is not what you`re looking for, so I digress.

Many years ago, it was common practice in the United States for male infants to be circumcised soon after birth for hygienic reasons. In recent years, it has been determined that the removal of the foreskin is not much of a health issue, and, as a result, the practice is no longer as widespread.

There isn't any reason for you to feel embarrassed or to believe that this will have a negative impact on future relationships with women. There are women who are turned off by redheads or by people with large ear lobes or any number of other physical characteristics -- all as shallow a bias as the one against the uncircumcised unit.

Unless you are wildly indiscreet, the vast majority of people you will know in your lifetime will have no idea what your willy looks like. And by the time you are mature enough to engage in a sexual relationship, you will be involved, hopefully, with someone who loves you for who you are. If that special someone should have reservations based on a priapic misunderstanding, she could always consult a doctor, who will surely tell her that this is much ado about nothing.

You're only 16, and I suspect that your former girlfriend is in that same age range. As you mature, you'll discover that you're fine. You merely experienced an episode of genital discrimination.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I dated someone for two years, and then suddenly, without closure or justification, the relationship ended. It has been two months since we broke up, and I still have a yearning to talk with him and just be friends.

I know that some people say that this is a bad idea, but what they don't understand is that I don't want our intimate relationship back, just the friend I thought I had in my life for the last two years. We live two hours away now, so it's not as if the relationship would be so easy to begin again, even if I wanted to. Is this pathetic or is this normal and okay?

-- K

Dear K,

Your yearnings are not pathetic and are well within the range of "normal" and understandable feelings. Still, it is not wise for you to pursue that old friendship with your former boyfriend at this time.

The fact is that your intimate romantic relationship altered the context of the friendship that it was based on. Parsing the two is not an easy or simple process, and it is apparent that your former boyfriend is presently incapable of facing up to his responsibility as a friend.

Indeed, you may think of him as a good friend, but breaking off a relationship without explanation is not the behavior of someone who cares about salvaging the "friend" part of your relationship. Friendship, of course, is a two-way street (except in Providence, where it is a one-way street heading north through some rather bleak neighborhoods).

Some might think that, subconsciously, you would like to rekindle your old romantic relationship. After all, if your description of what happened is accurate, I'd be smoldering from a bit of righteous indignation at this point, not exactly trying to establish contact in order to "just be friends."

Whether your interest in staying friends stems from a subconscious desire to get back together, an attack of low self-esteem, or any number of other reasons, it really doesn't matter. The point is that your friendship has been inextricably altered by your romance and that your friendship, as it were, would never be exactly the same as it was before you became intimately involved.

What it sounds like you really want -- and what I imagine that I would really want if I were in your shoes -- is to have the tools to make some sense of this, to hear some sort of explanation for why your ex seemed to leave so abruptly and without reason.

But this, obviously, is not forthcoming. Your ex-boyfriend has been rude and thoughtless in his treatment of you. The ball is in his court. Your preoccupation with this can only be damaging to you. Remember, friendship is not possible until he starts acting as a real friend should.

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